i know the thing with crichton's head parasite isn't my fault
but the fighting could have been completely avoided
if i never spoke up then it never would have gone so bad
but the fighting could have been completely avoided
if i never spoke up then it never would have gone so bad
[He's up on the pool deck, sitting on the edge of it with his feet in the water. He's got his phone held loosely in his hands between his knees, eyes on the water until he hears the capping of her cane and her hurried footsteps.]
I'm here. [He calls and trusts that she can follow the sound of his voice.]
I'm here. [He calls and trusts that she can follow the sound of his voice.]
Wayne.
[when she knows she's near enough, she sits next to him, reaching out to put her hand on his arm.]
Please don't do this. It...I talked with Gil, earlier today, and you're both blaming yourself for something that sounds like it was just going to be volatile by nature. This isn't your fault.
[when she knows she's near enough, she sits next to him, reaching out to put her hand on his arm.]
Please don't do this. It...I talked with Gil, earlier today, and you're both blaming yourself for something that sounds like it was just going to be volatile by nature. This isn't your fault.
[There's something about the way she says it that makes it sound like she's trying to talk him off the proverbial ledge, and he just frowns at the water as he listens to her. Her hand meets the sleeve of his jumpsuit, warmed by the sun.]
It all kind of sprung up because I couldn't just...keep it to myself. I know that Crichton having something going on isn't my fault, and Gil going to confront him wasn't, but it comes back to the whole problem that if I had just kept it all to myself to figure out alone, then maybe they wouldn't have got in the fight that killed them. Harvey would have had no reason to be hostile to him. I wouldn't have had to explain anything to Gil. He wouldn't have hurt Crichton. Maybe they would have run into each other one way or another but that's not what happened.
[He's tired, that much is clear by the way he keeps himself quiet amid the gentle ambient sloshing of the water. He doesn't have the emotional breaking or raspiness that might come from someone verging on tears, but that's just a function of his physiology. It doesn't change that he's clearly not doing well.]
It all kind of sprung up because I couldn't just...keep it to myself. I know that Crichton having something going on isn't my fault, and Gil going to confront him wasn't, but it comes back to the whole problem that if I had just kept it all to myself to figure out alone, then maybe they wouldn't have got in the fight that killed them. Harvey would have had no reason to be hostile to him. I wouldn't have had to explain anything to Gil. He wouldn't have hurt Crichton. Maybe they would have run into each other one way or another but that's not what happened.
[He's tired, that much is clear by the way he keeps himself quiet amid the gentle ambient sloshing of the water. He doesn't have the emotional breaking or raspiness that might come from someone verging on tears, but that's just a function of his physiology. It doesn't change that he's clearly not doing well.]
[her touch is gentle, but she pauses then, breathing deep.]
...I'm going to tell you something that I myself am in the process of learning, so believe me when I say I understand, in a deeper way than most. I know exactly what it feels like. If you keep it to yourself, you're not burdening other people. You aren't giving them too much to handle, and things don't get messy, and instead you can help them with whatever problems and sorrows they're trying to deal with. They don't get hurt because of something you said or did.
[she knows. she knows how to bundle her problems and make them smaller and smaller, until they fit in a drawer she can shut and pretend isn't there, only to unwind them at the end of the night, when her nightmares sink teeth and claw into her mind. she knows how it feels to stifle your own voice.]
But that's...that's not how it works. It isn't, and actually...people are hurt more by keeping it in. It's not fair, if they want to be there for you in return and you aren't allowing it. It just...it's not always safer to be alone.
...I'm going to tell you something that I myself am in the process of learning, so believe me when I say I understand, in a deeper way than most. I know exactly what it feels like. If you keep it to yourself, you're not burdening other people. You aren't giving them too much to handle, and things don't get messy, and instead you can help them with whatever problems and sorrows they're trying to deal with. They don't get hurt because of something you said or did.
[she knows. she knows how to bundle her problems and make them smaller and smaller, until they fit in a drawer she can shut and pretend isn't there, only to unwind them at the end of the night, when her nightmares sink teeth and claw into her mind. she knows how it feels to stifle your own voice.]
But that's...that's not how it works. It isn't, and actually...people are hurt more by keeping it in. It's not fair, if they want to be there for you in return and you aren't allowing it. It just...it's not always safer to be alone.
[His posture grows worse as he listens, the water moving as he pulls a leg up to lean forward against, his heel planted against the edge of the pool.]
I've never felt this unsure. [The admission is quiet, almost distracted-sounding.] Before this, I didn't need to think about how I felt about anything. I could just get away with not saying anything, and nobody really questioned it. Now, it feels like...like if I can't answer a question about like, how I'm doing or why I am this way, I'm failing. It follows me into every attempt at interaction. Even if it's not really true, it feels like I'm not making anyone's time here any easier and that's...that's all I want. I'm totally failing to do that, though, so I figured maybe, if I just stay out here for a while, things could resolve, and I could at least pretend that it's okay. Nobody else gets hurt on my behalf. They can talk it out on their own terms. If they want me, I'll be here.
[It's avoidance and self-isolation, fear of failure that he buries under layers and layers of nonchalance and cultural differences. He can't help that his attempt to be mindful ended up being interpreted as a cry for help]
I'm sorry for dragging you out here. You've got more to worry about than my mess-ups. Not that I'm not grateful for your company. I like when we get to talk, and I care about you a lot. I wouldn't have said anything if that weren't the case.
I've never felt this unsure. [The admission is quiet, almost distracted-sounding.] Before this, I didn't need to think about how I felt about anything. I could just get away with not saying anything, and nobody really questioned it. Now, it feels like...like if I can't answer a question about like, how I'm doing or why I am this way, I'm failing. It follows me into every attempt at interaction. Even if it's not really true, it feels like I'm not making anyone's time here any easier and that's...that's all I want. I'm totally failing to do that, though, so I figured maybe, if I just stay out here for a while, things could resolve, and I could at least pretend that it's okay. Nobody else gets hurt on my behalf. They can talk it out on their own terms. If they want me, I'll be here.
[It's avoidance and self-isolation, fear of failure that he buries under layers and layers of nonchalance and cultural differences. He can't help that his attempt to be mindful ended up being interpreted as a cry for help]
I'm sorry for dragging you out here. You've got more to worry about than my mess-ups. Not that I'm not grateful for your company. I like when we get to talk, and I care about you a lot. I wouldn't have said anything if that weren't the case.
[it's like hearing her own words given back. someone else trying to make themselves smaller so that they don't cause those ripples. and this more than anything else makes her realize what people have been saying to her, how it feels to hear an apology when all she wants to do is be there.]
I can worry about you and plenty of other things at the same time. I want to worry about you.
[it almost sounds petulant, but it's clumsy in how forceful it comes out, and in that, it's honest. breathe, reset.]
You don't have to always know how you're doing or what you're feeling or why you are the way you are. None of us can do that - organic, constructed, or anything else. There's no hidden metric you're being held to, no failures being tallied. Everyone here is just sort of handling it as we go.
[a breath, and she gives his arm a tiny squeeze.]
If you're unsure, you don't have to have an answer. You don't. You can just let yourself...process. You don't have to say anything before you're ready to, about anything at all. And if someone wants to make that their problem, then that is theirs. I'll have it out with them myself if they want to make that yours.
I can worry about you and plenty of other things at the same time. I want to worry about you.
[it almost sounds petulant, but it's clumsy in how forceful it comes out, and in that, it's honest. breathe, reset.]
You don't have to always know how you're doing or what you're feeling or why you are the way you are. None of us can do that - organic, constructed, or anything else. There's no hidden metric you're being held to, no failures being tallied. Everyone here is just sort of handling it as we go.
[a breath, and she gives his arm a tiny squeeze.]
If you're unsure, you don't have to have an answer. You don't. You can just let yourself...process. You don't have to say anything before you're ready to, about anything at all. And if someone wants to make that their problem, then that is theirs. I'll have it out with them myself if they want to make that yours.
[He's caught between wanting to apologize yet again, and thank her for being there. He's sure there's nothing he can really do to make up for the trouble he's caused in the pursuit of making things make sense, but that doesn't mean he's going to give up entirely. There are still people that care and promises that he has to keep, after all.
Wayne's arm presses against Helena's, his hand coming to rest lightly over the top of the one on his arm.]
Wanting to worry about someone feels a little counterintuitive.
Wayne's arm presses against Helena's, his hand coming to rest lightly over the top of the one on his arm.]
Wanting to worry about someone feels a little counterintuitive.
Maybe. But I worry about all my friends. The question is if I do it with their blessing or not.
[he can't make her not care about him.]
...I won't stop you, if you want to go. All I really ask is that you think about what I've said. Both the advice, and the admissions.
[he can't make her not care about him.]
...I won't stop you, if you want to go. All I really ask is that you think about what I've said. Both the advice, and the admissions.
[His hand squeezes lightly around hers.]
I'm probably still going to hang out down there for a while. Just...maybe not a whole week. The quiet'll probably do me some good.
I'm probably still going to hang out down there for a while. Just...maybe not a whole week. The quiet'll probably do me some good.
[His hand moves away from hers, but only so that he can carefully wrap an arm around her shoulders, briefly squeezing her against his side.]
That goes for you too, if you ever need me I'll be there.
That goes for you too, if you ever need me I'll be there.
[ César wastes no time in getting to the pool deck. His player just had writer's block whyyyyyyyy. Anyway, he's there and spots Helena immediately. As he approaches, he makes sure that he walks loud enough with his usual gait so she knows who he is before he even speaks. ]
There you are!
There you are!
I did! [ César says triumphantly. ]
Want me to hand it to you? I've already got a book loaded up.
Want me to hand it to you? I've already got a book loaded up.
Then here you go!
[ César's mostly verbalizing that he's going to hand it over, to be honest. So when she has her hands out, he waits two seconds to pass it over, having had it already in his hand. The rest of his stuff is carried in a Tommy Bahama tote, which he places down next to her chair loud enough so she can hear it (look, totes like that have a very distinct sound). Then, he sits down in the chair on the other side of the tote.]
I've got the first page of the story loaded.
[ It's one of Watson's: The Hound of the Baskervilles. ]
[ César's mostly verbalizing that he's going to hand it over, to be honest. So when she has her hands out, he waits two seconds to pass it over, having had it already in his hand. The rest of his stuff is carried in a Tommy Bahama tote, which he places down next to her chair loud enough so she can hear it (look, totes like that have a very distinct sound). Then, he sits down in the chair on the other side of the tote.]
I've got the first page of the story loaded.
[ It's one of Watson's: The Hound of the Baskervilles. ]
[for a moment, she's quiet, adjusting to the weight of the device, and then she draws her fingertips over the cells, reading. there's a dawning, a brightness over her, as it all comes together. quietly, she reads aloud, so he knows it worked.]
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table...
[this changes everything. it's the rapture of someone being handed technology that they wish to know in and out, to love it all the more.]
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table...
[this changes everything. it's the rapture of someone being handed technology that they wish to know in and out, to love it all the more.]
[ She can't see how wide he's smiling, so he lets out a delighted laugh. César knew it worked, having tested it himself. But there's quite nothing like putting it in the hand of someone the device is meant for and seeing them use it for the first time.
He doesn't otherwise interrupt her, not wanting to spoil the moment. ]
He doesn't otherwise interrupt her, not wanting to spoil the moment. ]
[she finishes the page and raises her head, beaming as she does.]
Without exaggeration, this is one of the most wonderful things I've ever held in my life. The future is full of such wonderful things - the potential this holds, it's astounding. I never could have imagined something like this.
Without exaggeration, this is one of the most wonderful things I've ever held in my life. The future is full of such wonderful things - the potential this holds, it's astounding. I never could have imagined something like this.
oh my god finally getting into a tag brain again sorry this is crusty!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pineapplesalmon
2023-05-18 12:59 am (UTC)(link)
[ César lets out a delighted laugh. ]
In my world, we even have the ability to use our phones to read printed words in the wild. Or connect to a sighted person in the instances where it makes things easier.
In my world, we even have the ability to use our phones to read printed words in the wild. Or connect to a sighted person in the instances where it makes things easier.
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