![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
But that piece that doesn't fit, it's still there. And because I don't lose it in the mix with the others, because it's not in the completed puzzle, I keep it. I find where I keep things I like, and I set that piece on the shelf. So I can find it, again and again, and delight in it. That's if I don't turn it into a necklace and keep it close that way, or put it in the pocket over my heart.
[because she is herself, and because things that are not quite fitting in aren't immediately worthy of disposal. she gets his point, that he'd push another to exert themselves to find the best solution, the best outcome, but does that mean that his role is over? no. it does not mean he is not still cherished for his existence alone. she's made her decision, and even if others think it silly, the more adamant she becomes, the more compassion flows out.
she can tell when loneliness clings to someone, sticky as tree sap and as difficult to remove. and Nagito has tipped his hand, over and over again. because he cares, he pushes away. because he cares, he does things that others will not, cannot. his words are a maze to some, but to a mind that has spent years surrounding herself with metaphor and allusion and details, they are as easy as if they were spelled out beneath her hands.]
Because I want to enjoy it for its own sake. For the fact that it exists at all.
[because she is herself, and because things that are not quite fitting in aren't immediately worthy of disposal. she gets his point, that he'd push another to exert themselves to find the best solution, the best outcome, but does that mean that his role is over? no. it does not mean he is not still cherished for his existence alone. she's made her decision, and even if others think it silly, the more adamant she becomes, the more compassion flows out.
she can tell when loneliness clings to someone, sticky as tree sap and as difficult to remove. and Nagito has tipped his hand, over and over again. because he cares, he pushes away. because he cares, he does things that others will not, cannot. his words are a maze to some, but to a mind that has spent years surrounding herself with metaphor and allusion and details, they are as easy as if they were spelled out beneath her hands.]
Because I want to enjoy it for its own sake. For the fact that it exists at all.
[Lucifer gives Helena the night of the 29th to process things, leaves her alone to read the book left behind, but by the afternoon the day after he's barging into her room with a light meal of soup.
Hello. Hi.]
Helena... [His voice is quiet for once.] I think I know the answer, but how are you doing? I made you lunch.
Hello. Hi.]
Helena... [His voice is quiet for once.] I think I know the answer, but how are you doing? I made you lunch.
[it's very uncommon for her to miss class, but she did today. she still got up, brushed her hair, put on clothes, made her bed, but the idea of going out there, of walking those halls, passing the student store - every day, she'd gone - makes her want to scream all over again. so, she'd stayed in the dorms. when Lucifer finds her, she's in the hammock their room has, holding one of her plush animals in her arms and Keigo's book in another.
she doesn't want to eat. hasn't since last night - the idea feels awful. but she still sits up a little more when Lucifer comes in, to be polite.]
Thank you. That's very kind of you - I'll eat it in a bit.
[maybe. her voice is as soft as ever, so she's not detached from reality. only unhappily in it.]
she doesn't want to eat. hasn't since last night - the idea feels awful. but she still sits up a little more when Lucifer comes in, to be polite.]
Thank you. That's very kind of you - I'll eat it in a bit.
[maybe. her voice is as soft as ever, so she's not detached from reality. only unhappily in it.]
[He quirks a brow at that, but it's the day after — he can't blame her for not being hungry. It's just soup, so it's easy to warm up again anyway. He'll set the bowl aside on the nearest bedside table or desk, whichever's easiest, and note aloud exactly where he's put it so she can find it easily later.
All that said, Lucifer doesn't leave. For a slow minute, he glances sidelong at Helena before turning fully to face her.
He's the eldest of seven. He should know how to comfort someone by now. Internal chastising aside...]
It's soup, if the clattering of the spoon in the bowl wasn't obvious. Just promise me you won't starve yourself in your misery. The last thing I want is to see it consume you, even if that's particularly difficult.
[He gets it, but whereas Lucifer lashes out and commits atrocious acts of violence in his misery, Helena seems the type to shut off. And that's fine, but if there's anything he learnt from his last run-in with agony, it's to not let that happen where possible.]
All that said, Lucifer doesn't leave. For a slow minute, he glances sidelong at Helena before turning fully to face her.
He's the eldest of seven. He should know how to comfort someone by now. Internal chastising aside...]
It's soup, if the clattering of the spoon in the bowl wasn't obvious. Just promise me you won't starve yourself in your misery. The last thing I want is to see it consume you, even if that's particularly difficult.
[He gets it, but whereas Lucifer lashes out and commits atrocious acts of violence in his misery, Helena seems the type to shut off. And that's fine, but if there's anything he learnt from his last run-in with agony, it's to not let that happen where possible.]
...I promise, Lucifer.
[some might say to try to find the hope in this situation. but she isn't an expert, and she feels so small against everything else. her body aches - it feels like she survived a bomb going off, with skin charred and raw, blood seeping through her clothes, things fragmented under the surface.
it's been a long time, since a death rattled her so. perhaps she was just foolish, thinking they'd survive after everything - thinking it was thwarted once, and wouldn't come back again.]
It's the strangest feeling in the world, isn't it?
[she's not turned towards him, but her hand is stroking the stuffed creature.]
As much as one walks forward, death always exists a hairsbreadth away.
[some might say to try to find the hope in this situation. but she isn't an expert, and she feels so small against everything else. her body aches - it feels like she survived a bomb going off, with skin charred and raw, blood seeping through her clothes, things fragmented under the surface.
it's been a long time, since a death rattled her so. perhaps she was just foolish, thinking they'd survive after everything - thinking it was thwarted once, and wouldn't come back again.]
It's the strangest feeling in the world, isn't it?
[she's not turned towards him, but her hand is stroking the stuffed creature.]
As much as one walks forward, death always exists a hairsbreadth away.
[He really should've brought in Sheep MC from the plushie pile in the common room... maybe burying her in stuffed animals would help. Something for later, perhaps.]
In my long existence, it's something I've grown to live with and accept. Consequence of... being who I am, I suppose. I wouldn't bat an eyelash at whoever or whatever managed to kill me.
[He'd be impressed, if not a little relieved. Lucifer doesn't exactly want to die, but it's too late for that, isn't it? If death brought him here, it proves life just goes on. His especially.
Horrible for some. A dream for many. Something inconsequential for him.]
Humans, though, your lives are already so short. It makes sense that these things would affect you so much.
[Big words for someone who's equally as affected by it — but everyone already knows what happens when you take from the Devil.]
...I do sympathise with you. I lost my little sister thousands of years ago, and the wound is still raw. It'll always be raw. I'm sure you've already come to that realisation for yourself, though.
In my long existence, it's something I've grown to live with and accept. Consequence of... being who I am, I suppose. I wouldn't bat an eyelash at whoever or whatever managed to kill me.
[He'd be impressed, if not a little relieved. Lucifer doesn't exactly want to die, but it's too late for that, isn't it? If death brought him here, it proves life just goes on. His especially.
Horrible for some. A dream for many. Something inconsequential for him.]
Humans, though, your lives are already so short. It makes sense that these things would affect you so much.
[Big words for someone who's equally as affected by it — but everyone already knows what happens when you take from the Devil.]
...I do sympathise with you. I lost my little sister thousands of years ago, and the wound is still raw. It'll always be raw. I'm sure you've already come to that realisation for yourself, though.
I'm so sorry...I had no idea.
[even through her own haze of grief, her words are honest and meant, her head turned his direction - if it still hurts him now, then he must have cherished her beyond anything. it's also a good transition, before she sounds too bitter about how short life can really be. about how you got numb, until you weren't anymore. she'd lost some of that here, and now it strikes out just as hard.]
[even through her own haze of grief, her words are honest and meant, her head turned his direction - if it still hurts him now, then he must have cherished her beyond anything. it's also a good transition, before she sounds too bitter about how short life can really be. about how you got numb, until you weren't anymore. she'd lost some of that here, and now it strikes out just as hard.]
I don't often talk about it much is why. But this isn't about me. It's an anecdote, in a way. Maybe you'll feel better to know you aren't alone in the pain. I was not particularly close to Amami or the shopkeeper, but you were. Just don't do what I did — don't be rash or impulsive.
[Does he regret starting a war for Lilith? No. Does he regret killing five people for Clamor, to send a message? Also no, not really. Does he want Helena to fall to his level? Admittedly, no.
Some souls are too pure for demons to corrupt.]
Do you want a hug, Helena?
[Does he regret starting a war for Lilith? No. Does he regret killing five people for Clamor, to send a message? Also no, not really. Does he want Helena to fall to his level? Admittedly, no.
Some souls are too pure for demons to corrupt.]
Do you want a hug, Helena?
[don't be impulsive. if only it was so easy. if only it didn't scorch her, wishing she could do something, anything - wishing they had just woken up, and she could have scolded them for worrying her. but it's not like she can do anything. she's not a killer, and she can't bring back the dead. all she can do is wear her grief like a cloak, and breathe.
at the question, she nods - getting up, she puts the book down like it's made of glass, then the plush on top of it. it'll be easier for him if she's standing, she knows.]
at the question, she nods - getting up, she puts the book down like it's made of glass, then the plush on top of it. it'll be easier for him if she's standing, she knows.]
[It would be, but he'd be willing to sit on the hammock if he knew he wouldn't offset the weight and fling her halfway across the room. When she stands, he meets her halfway and wraps her in a hug. It's the sort that he'd give to his youngest brother — warm and protective and safe.]
...I'm sorry that they had to go.
[Conciliatory words might be empty from him, but he speaks them nonetheless.]
...I'm sorry that they had to go.
[Conciliatory words might be empty from him, but he speaks them nonetheless.]
[ The 29th is a whirlwind of pain. On the 1st, Nanami's got a lot of things on her mind still. And one of them is the anguished screams that brought her to Sun 2 in the first place.
It doesn't take too much effort to track down Helena's room; but gaining the strength to know what to say takes longer, so it's mid-afternoon or so before Nanami's quietly knocking on the door of Star 1. ]
H-Helena-san, ... ? It's Nanami... I wanted to... [ She hesitates. What is it she wants? ] I just wanted to see you... I think.
It doesn't take too much effort to track down Helena's room; but gaining the strength to know what to say takes longer, so it's mid-afternoon or so before Nanami's quietly knocking on the door of Star 1. ]
H-Helena-san, ... ? It's Nanami... I wanted to... [ She hesitates. What is it she wants? ] I just wanted to see you... I think.
[she's at the right height that she can turn and hide her face fully in his chest, taking a deep breath to try and be steady. she's cried so much that she wonders if it's possible to overdo it - her eyes sting yet again, but she's breathing, her arms wrapped tight around him. there has to be so much faith that they'll come back, that there's a reason for all of this, but right now everything feels the way an empty metal chest might - hollow, cold, liable to fall apart with tears rusting the hinges.
even if she trembles some, she doesn't feel terribly afraid of judgement right now, of being seen as childish. she can fall apart at least a little, and it's okay. that protection comes through, like Helena's wrapped up in a warm blanket, shielded temporarily from things that want to pry the self apart.
there is so, so much that is terribly unfair. it is so, so hard to remain strong in all of it.
hopefully he understands that thank you doesn't always need to be spoken.]
even if she trembles some, she doesn't feel terribly afraid of judgement right now, of being seen as childish. she can fall apart at least a little, and it's okay. that protection comes through, like Helena's wrapped up in a warm blanket, shielded temporarily from things that want to pry the self apart.
there is so, so much that is terribly unfair. it is so, so hard to remain strong in all of it.
hopefully he understands that thank you doesn't always need to be spoken.]
Edited 2022-02-23 22:25 (UTC)
[the girl that answers the door is far more subdued, compared to the girl Nanami met in the amusement park. she's up and dressed, her hair is brushed, but she's paler, and there's no hint of a smile. just a quiet dullness, but still polite, even if her heart wants to return to wrapping herself up in her blankets and trying to think.]
Hello, Miss Chiaki.
[easier to separate her roommate and her twin like that - in a better mood, she could have asked her opinion on the nicknames she'd thought of, but right now, simplest is best.]
Is everything all right?
[old habits of formality, of politeness. routines work best.]
Hello, Miss Chiaki.
[easier to separate her roommate and her twin like that - in a better mood, she could have asked her opinion on the nicknames she'd thought of, but right now, simplest is best.]
Is everything all right?
[old habits of formality, of politeness. routines work best.]
[ Oh. Nanami's heart will break again on seeing how Helena's faring. But she presses on. ]
I wanted to see how you were doing. [ A hesitation. ] And... to see if there's anything I can do for you, too.
[ Starting with offers for help. But she's also sort of here because... grief's a hard thing to go through entirely alone, she's finding. ]
I wanted to see how you were doing. [ A hesitation. ] And... to see if there's anything I can do for you, too.
[ Starting with offers for help. But she's also sort of here because... grief's a hard thing to go through entirely alone, she's finding. ]
That's very kind of you.
[Lucifer's already pushed soup on her, so she's eaten at least one meal and she knows that Shin will give her whatever facts from class that're needed if she takes more days off - her and Subaru won't fall behind, when they can manage.]
Um...I know this may sound a little odd, but if you or someone you know could make a sandwich and put it in the refrigerator, and put Subaru's name on it...he'll need to have something later. I'd be quite grateful for it.
[and it will be easier if he doesn't have to exert the effort, and if she doesn't have to stand there, forgetting herself and trying to not be vaguely repulsed by the idea of food.]
[Lucifer's already pushed soup on her, so she's eaten at least one meal and she knows that Shin will give her whatever facts from class that're needed if she takes more days off - her and Subaru won't fall behind, when they can manage.]
Um...I know this may sound a little odd, but if you or someone you know could make a sandwich and put it in the refrigerator, and put Subaru's name on it...he'll need to have something later. I'd be quite grateful for it.
[and it will be easier if he doesn't have to exert the effort, and if she doesn't have to stand there, forgetting herself and trying to not be vaguely repulsed by the idea of food.]
[It's alright, because he couldn't possibly see her as a child right now. He recalls holding all of his brothers in his arms, with his wings too, when they all Fell. If crying is childish, then back then, they were the biggest children of all.
Soothingly, he runs a hand through her hair. She can cry as much as he needs, stain his shirt with tears, he doesn't mind one bit.
Loss sucks. He gets it.]
You'll be okay. [He murmurs, for lack of anything else to say.] Even if it's not now.
[Maybe that's not quite accurate. Hurt never lessens, one just gets used to it after a time. In a sense, that might just be the very definition of "okay".]
Soothingly, he runs a hand through her hair. She can cry as much as he needs, stain his shirt with tears, he doesn't mind one bit.
Loss sucks. He gets it.]
You'll be okay. [He murmurs, for lack of anything else to say.] Even if it's not now.
[Maybe that's not quite accurate. Hurt never lessens, one just gets used to it after a time. In a sense, that might just be the very definition of "okay".]
[those words crack open what she thought was a dam, tears returned in full from where they had been. she'd thought she could manage this, but she can't, and all fear of judgement is washed away in salt water. Helena cries, because okay is the furthest thing from her right now, and it feels like the world wants to crack away. there's no time limit to okay. her face is hidden in his shirt, tears soaking the fabric, and she knows the reason why.
she just wants them back here. even if it's for a reason. she just wants them back.
at a point, she quiets, and she's not shaking. her face, she knows, must be a mess - she can feel how crying leaves one feeling hot and drained, scrubbed raw as if with flannels on the inside. but no more tears want to come for now, and when she pulls back some, it's to try and use her sleeves to wipe the teartracks away.]
she just wants them back here. even if it's for a reason. she just wants them back.
at a point, she quiets, and she's not shaking. her face, she knows, must be a mess - she can feel how crying leaves one feeling hot and drained, scrubbed raw as if with flannels on the inside. but no more tears want to come for now, and when she pulls back some, it's to try and use her sleeves to wipe the teartracks away.]
Oh! Yes, I can do that!
[ It takes a few seconds for her to register what that means - Subaru was close to them, too.
She hesitates. She wants to help, but doesn't want to intrude. So she sticks to facts. ] There's a cairn for them in the forest, too. A little clearing near the back of the dorms. Sara and I built it out of rocks.
[ It takes a few seconds for her to register what that means - Subaru was close to them, too.
She hesitates. She wants to help, but doesn't want to intrude. So she sticks to facts. ] There's a cairn for them in the forest, too. A little clearing near the back of the dorms. Sara and I built it out of rocks.
For the both of them?
[there's some kind of metaphor to be made, she thinks, about Rantarou and his travels and being remembered in something to provide safe passage. even with her heart wounded, she can appreciate that.]
Thank you. It's the closest thing to a gravestone we can provide.
[there's some kind of metaphor to be made, she thinks, about Rantarou and his travels and being remembered in something to provide safe passage. even with her heart wounded, she can appreciate that.]
Thank you. It's the closest thing to a gravestone we can provide.
Yeah. It's not much, but... it's something, you know? It's... a nice way to remember them by.
[ She makes a mental note to make something for her class, too. (It's a good excuse to play the rock gacha some more. ]
I can show you some time! But I don't want to disturb you too much right now.
[ She makes a mental note to make something for her class, too. (It's a good excuse to play the rock gacha some more. ]
I can show you some time! But I don't want to disturb you too much right now.
...actually, let me grab my coat.
[she steps back from the door, going to the closet. while she doesn't open the door all the way, Nanami can probably see a glimpse of the hammock that has blankets and a few stuffed animals on it, undone as if someone had climbed out to answer the door. the ceiling in this room is glass, and so the daylight pours down as if through a giant window.
coming back to Nanami, she has her coat over her arm and her cane in hand.]
Okay, I'm ready/
[she steps back from the door, going to the closet. while she doesn't open the door all the way, Nanami can probably see a glimpse of the hammock that has blankets and a few stuffed animals on it, undone as if someone had climbed out to answer the door. the ceiling in this room is glass, and so the daylight pours down as if through a giant window.
coming back to Nanami, she has her coat over her arm and her cane in hand.]
Okay, I'm ready/
[Here am I, as promised, and here is Shin, nosing around the door of Helena's room with a knock in one hand and a thermos in the other.]
Helena...?
[He heard what happened, and it's in his voice, that thread of worry uncertain how it should be expressed. Does she even want company right now, or is it too raw? Is comforting her taking advantage of the despair she's in, even? But he can't just ignore her either...]
Can I come in? ...I've got something that needs taste-testing.
[Taking her mind off things, maybe. He's been experimenting with putting slow-cooked meat in this particular soup so it's not quite a lie.]
Helena...?
[He heard what happened, and it's in his voice, that thread of worry uncertain how it should be expressed. Does she even want company right now, or is it too raw? Is comforting her taking advantage of the despair she's in, even? But he can't just ignore her either...]
Can I come in? ...I've got something that needs taste-testing.
[Taking her mind off things, maybe. He's been experimenting with putting slow-cooked meat in this particular soup so it's not quite a lie.]
...yeah. It's unlocked.
[for other people that she didn't know so well, she'd have gotten up, let them in. for Shin, he can come in of his accord. the ceiling in Star 1 is glass, letting the light in, and Helena's perfectly visible in the hammock she slept in last night. it looks cozy enough - blankets, a pillow, a few stuffed animals to be friends.
she's in clean clothes, and her hair is brushed, but she's under blankets and holding a book close to her, paler than normal. clearly, there wasn't a lot of sleep happening. clearly, she'd rather stay gently swaying in a place that feels safe instead of go to class - she couldn't make herself, and Helena considered that at the least, maintaining a proper appearance was a good try.]
[for other people that she didn't know so well, she'd have gotten up, let them in. for Shin, he can come in of his accord. the ceiling in Star 1 is glass, letting the light in, and Helena's perfectly visible in the hammock she slept in last night. it looks cozy enough - blankets, a pillow, a few stuffed animals to be friends.
she's in clean clothes, and her hair is brushed, but she's under blankets and holding a book close to her, paler than normal. clearly, there wasn't a lot of sleep happening. clearly, she'd rather stay gently swaying in a place that feels safe instead of go to class - she couldn't make herself, and Helena considered that at the least, maintaining a proper appearance was a good try.]
[The light bouncing around between all the suncatchers always gives this room the vague sensation of being in an underwater disco ball whenever Shin drops by. There's something about seeing the one he gave Subaru hanging up there with all the rest, that bulwark against the little voice that assumed he would throw it out as soon as Shin had left.
He pushes the door in with a hand and shuffles in, shutting it behind him with a click and resisting the urge and habit to lock it. There's a small unintentional huff of air as he sees the unkempt Helena burrito, the commiserating kind that knows that well. His hand goes to his hair and then he heads over to the small nightstand and there's a shuffling of paper and then a light thunk as he sets down the thermos.]
Ah, I took down some notes for class as well... I'll just leave them here, huh?
[He experimented with doing them in braille in real time but quickly had to stop when that was taking too much time and focus for the pace of the lesson... so it's been translation after the fact. The sounds of him uncapping the lid from the thermos and then pouring a viscous liquid with chunks into it appear... this might be more of a stew than a soup at this point.
Then the sound and weight of him coming over with it and sitting down crosslegged next to the hammock, warm soup held between his hands and looked down at before reaching up and lightly tapping it against her hand like 'you want some?' because she never actually said she did...]
What's that you're reading?
[His tone is curious, because he hasn't seen that before in the library, not that he's read every single one. Surely this is just a book she's reading that is entirely unrelated to current events from which her mind may be taken off by discussing it.]
He pushes the door in with a hand and shuffles in, shutting it behind him with a click and resisting the urge and habit to lock it. There's a small unintentional huff of air as he sees the unkempt Helena burrito, the commiserating kind that knows that well. His hand goes to his hair and then he heads over to the small nightstand and there's a shuffling of paper and then a light thunk as he sets down the thermos.]
Ah, I took down some notes for class as well... I'll just leave them here, huh?
[He experimented with doing them in braille in real time but quickly had to stop when that was taking too much time and focus for the pace of the lesson... so it's been translation after the fact. The sounds of him uncapping the lid from the thermos and then pouring a viscous liquid with chunks into it appear... this might be more of a stew than a soup at this point.
Then the sound and weight of him coming over with it and sitting down crosslegged next to the hammock, warm soup held between his hands and looked down at before reaching up and lightly tapping it against her hand like 'you want some?' because she never actually said she did...]
What's that you're reading?
[His tone is curious, because he hasn't seen that before in the library, not that he's read every single one. Surely this is just a book she's reading that is entirely unrelated to current events from which her mind may be taken off by discussing it.]
[she can catch the scent - some part of her says she does need to eat, but the idea was exhausting, the place in her where hunger is has gone quiet, all her focus left to wade her way through feeling like through waist high water. the warmth nudges her hand, but she doesn't take it yet - trying to muster up the idea of eating whatever it is. savory, she can tell by the smell.
before she can thank him for the class notes, he mentions the book, and she shifts some to sit a little higher.]
...They left it for me.
[he'll know what "they" she means.]
before she can thank him for the class notes, he mentions the book, and she shifts some to sit a little higher.]
...They left it for me.
[he'll know what "they" she means.]
Page 4 of 7