[Here am I, as promised, and here is Shin, nosing around the door of Helena's room with a knock in one hand and a thermos in the other.]
Helena...?
[He heard what happened, and it's in his voice, that thread of worry uncertain how it should be expressed. Does she even want company right now, or is it too raw? Is comforting her taking advantage of the despair she's in, even? But he can't just ignore her either...]
Can I come in? ...I've got something that needs taste-testing.
[Taking her mind off things, maybe. He's been experimenting with putting slow-cooked meat in this particular soup so it's not quite a lie.]
[for other people that she didn't know so well, she'd have gotten up, let them in. for Shin, he can come in of his accord. the ceiling in Star 1 is glass, letting the light in, and Helena's perfectly visible in the hammock she slept in last night. it looks cozy enough - blankets, a pillow, a few stuffed animals to be friends.
she's in clean clothes, and her hair is brushed, but she's under blankets and holding a book close to her, paler than normal. clearly, there wasn't a lot of sleep happening. clearly, she'd rather stay gently swaying in a place that feels safe instead of go to class - she couldn't make herself, and Helena considered that at the least, maintaining a proper appearance was a good try.]
[The light bouncing around between all the suncatchers always gives this room the vague sensation of being in an underwater disco ball whenever Shin drops by. There's something about seeing the one he gave Subaru hanging up there with all the rest, that bulwark against the little voice that assumed he would throw it out as soon as Shin had left.
He pushes the door in with a hand and shuffles in, shutting it behind him with a click and resisting the urge and habit to lock it. There's a small unintentional huff of air as he sees the unkempt Helena burrito, the commiserating kind that knows that well. His hand goes to his hair and then he heads over to the small nightstand and there's a shuffling of paper and then a light thunk as he sets down the thermos.]
Ah, I took down some notes for class as well... I'll just leave them here, huh?
[He experimented with doing them in braille in real time but quickly had to stop when that was taking too much time and focus for the pace of the lesson... so it's been translation after the fact. The sounds of him uncapping the lid from the thermos and then pouring a viscous liquid with chunks into it appear... this might be more of a stew than a soup at this point.
Then the sound and weight of him coming over with it and sitting down crosslegged next to the hammock, warm soup held between his hands and looked down at before reaching up and lightly tapping it against her hand like 'you want some?' because she never actually said she did...]
What's that you're reading?
[His tone is curious, because he hasn't seen that before in the library, not that he's read every single one. Surely this is just a book she's reading that is entirely unrelated to current events from which her mind may be taken off by discussing it.]
[she can catch the scent - some part of her says she does need to eat, but the idea was exhausting, the place in her where hunger is has gone quiet, all her focus left to wade her way through feeling like through waist high water. the warmth nudges her hand, but she doesn't take it yet - trying to muster up the idea of eating whatever it is. savory, she can tell by the smell.
before she can thank him for the class notes, he mentions the book, and she shifts some to sit a little higher.]
[He pulls it back and sets it down next to him with a quiet thunk... push comes to shove he can drink this one and pour her another later if it gets too cold. He doesn't like the idea of wasting food.]
...Oh. S-sorry.
[Way to go on that one, Shin. Although how was he supposed to know? He fiddles with his scarf. The entire thing's going to be one big sore point, isn't it?]
You should probably eat something... take a break from it for now. It's not good to spend too long just doing the same thing, right?
[Just sort of a gentle tug, mildly hypocritical. He doesn't know if she's been pouring over it for hours and hours... but he can make a very educated guess. It'll still be there afterwards.]
I haven't only been doing the same thing...I did get out of bed today.
[but getting presentable and going back to bed wasn't ideal either. still, if she can muster a retort, she's in there. shifting, she sits up, and slowly finds a place to set the book down, along with a white cat plush that needed to give her some space.]
..."There's so much more I want to do." Keigo wrote that, Shin, in this book. I can't stop turning that around in my mind. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, other than it happened. I - I feel like I only just got them back, and now...
[the words flow out, but she stops them, hands in her lap.]
That's...selfish, isn't it. I'm not the only person the both of them meant something to.
[The plush is very cute... Sara stole all the black cat ones from the room when she left and he's still somewhat bitter about it because he helped get those. Now's not the time for that though.]
...
Yeah, it really doesn't...
[Why would they write that, and then... did Rantaro coerce them into it, or worse? It's a thought that sets up a horrible curdling sensation under his diaphragm. Why does this keep happening...? People he thought were...]
Selfish, huh... Does that even matter?
[There's something here he's not quite getting, and it's showing up in his voice, genuinely. What connects the two statements. Maybe if she was trying to keep their friendship all to herself... but Helena's not like that at all.]
It... only makes sense to be upset, right? To want to know what happened, too...
[To put it in someone else's words... ain't it natural to be angry? Shin hews a little too closely to the concept of if you aren't angry or upset you must not have cared, sometimes.]
What does that have to do with you not being the only one?
I can't...act like I'm the only person allowed to be unhappy about this. Subaru, Miss Akamatsu....more people lost them than just me. They're hurting too.
[Subaru's gone somewhere, and she has to trust that he's keeping his promise, to not go back up the mountain. she had allowed herself one selfishness, to beg him to stay so she didn't lose him, and that had to be the quota. too much would be demanding, when she'd rather share the pain instead.
it's easier to be upset at herself than to admit she's upset because the two of them aren't here, that basic raw feeling.]
Keigo didn't just come back to me, they came back to everyone. Rantarou was someone people looked to. It's...all ours, it's not mine alone. I have to remember that before it's too much.
[her knees move up, so she can hold them, the hammock gently swaying with the motion. if she's strict with herself, if she tries to look for hope and thinks about control, then she can still be stable. still be a support for others who look to her, who need that. Subaru, shaking as he clung onto her. anyone who's praised her for her calm nature, for her listening.
she wishes the snow was back, to rage and batter the windows down.]
Can't say I get it... They'd have that much of a problem with it?
[With her? He'd have a problem with them, even if this might be like gaining the ire of a chihuahua. He can understand keeping everything locked down for the sake of the self, to not show weakness or to not break down completely in front of others... to not have to rely on or worry others... Oh.
It's a dim shaded inkling, but he's seen this before, actually, the lurking shape of it behind dusty frosted glass. Of course, that doesn't help any with knowing what to do about it, he's not even sure if he's even on the right track. He shuffles a little so that his back's to the hammock, and after a hesitation lifts up his hand, laying the back of it against hers.]
Well, it's not like they're all crammed in this room right now. Ahaha.
[Comfort always carries an inherent tension to Shin, the ways it can be used, but the desire to give it, the circuitous ways he tries to satisfy both. This... it does feel like skirting a little too close to the sun. He doesn't want to say like this 'you can trust me'. So whatever she chooses... he's okay with that.]
[the touch of his hand is unexpected, but she can't help the way she clutches to it, takes it like the gift it is. he's here, and he's alive, and he'll hear the shaking in her breath when she draws in, breathes out. close, so close to tears, but trying to remain steady, desperately trying to save face. it's not really working, she feels like she'll blow away in the wind, shatter on the ground in so many thin and sharp pieces.]
...no one likes a girl who can't control herself.
[breathe in, breathe out. and it's not addressing the idea of selfishness, but this is a knot lodged in her chest that Shin might get, because he knows what it's like to have something's shadow cast over you, over your hands. when there are words pushed in so deep the scar tissue forms around them.]
A girl who acts out like a beast...that's unsightly. Unfit for company. But a girl who can be patient, and obedient, and kind...isn't that better? And when you are, and people like you, and look to you to be smart and calm and sensible-
[she's getting off track, but she can't make herself stop, like she's falling without knowing where the ground is.]
You want to make them happy, don't you? Even if they think you're someone you're not. Even if they think you did things you didn't. Why raise a fuss and ruin yourself? It's only letting them down.
[He's no expert at the way Helena (and apparently Sportacus?) can listen through people's hands for lies, glean truths from them, beyond whatever she's told him so far. He can't read her well that way. But... he doesn't need to here. She's practically screaming it.]
...
[This is so so far above anything he knows how to handle, any response that comes to mind, which none do.]
...Can't say I'm happy. Knowing you're this unhappy, underneath all that... But... Is it bad I'm a little relieved?
[That she's human, too. It's painful... he'd been starting to believe that too again, hadn't he? Smart, calm, sensible Helena... despite better judgement.]
I've... only known one person who was that perfect... and even he was selfish.
[It's hard, even with the gold flaked off, and the silver tarnish crept across, and the brass cracked and verdigrised, to really get rid of his idolization of the man completely, at the very least in terms of enviable skill, knowledge and composure, which dropped so very few and terrifying times. He should get his mind off this topic. It's the wrong comparison, anyway. Because what it really comes down to is:]
That's...
[Wanting the people you like to like you. Not wanting to let them down. Wanting to be a person worthy of them... the best person you can be. Feeling like you're not, but if you pretend hard enough... It's painful, in it's familiarity. It's loyalty, in the end.
[even if they weren't hers to start with, they were hers now, suspended in amber, inescapable. it leaves her here, unable to find the way to express herself properly either way. couldn't explode like someone less aware. couldn't contain it all like someone better composed. she's stuck, and it's a painful place to be.
she just wants to have an answer. to not be at risk of collapse. to be good. and what that means, the definition changes from day to day. it's hard to keep up, when you just wish you could put your fist through glass.]
[It matters! It very much matters! Of course it matters! Some part of him is yelling, even as the rest of him is catching it by the arm.]
Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
[she takes a deep breath, but then just holds his hand a little tighter. she could talk, defend it, explain where it came from - even the kindest people wanted it to be so, were happier like that.
how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
[That's the thing... if this is already skirting the edge... then telling her what to do, what to think... that's the one thing he can't do. That would be too far. His comfort, his opinion, he can give... but the idea itself of being a whisper in her ear feels like tar in his mouth, because it wouldn't even matter that he doesn't know the right thing to say, it's in the act itself. He... doesn't want to try be that, anymore. He never wanted to, really, and he doesn't need to be to survive, here and with her.
All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
[it's a question no one has asked her, and she's desperate for it, because asking means there's permission. she can say what she wants - because someone is requesting this information. she doesn't have to merely take what's been handed, swallow it down endlessly, sick of the bitterness.
but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
Ahaha... that's funny... because I was gonna do that anyway.
[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
3/1
Helena...?
[He heard what happened, and it's in his voice, that thread of worry uncertain how it should be expressed. Does she even want company right now, or is it too raw? Is comforting her taking advantage of the despair she's in, even? But he can't just ignore her either...]
Can I come in? ...I've got something that needs taste-testing.
[Taking her mind off things, maybe. He's been experimenting with putting slow-cooked meat in this particular soup so it's not quite a lie.]
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[for other people that she didn't know so well, she'd have gotten up, let them in. for Shin, he can come in of his accord. the ceiling in Star 1 is glass, letting the light in, and Helena's perfectly visible in the hammock she slept in last night. it looks cozy enough - blankets, a pillow, a few stuffed animals to be friends.
she's in clean clothes, and her hair is brushed, but she's under blankets and holding a book close to her, paler than normal. clearly, there wasn't a lot of sleep happening. clearly, she'd rather stay gently swaying in a place that feels safe instead of go to class - she couldn't make herself, and Helena considered that at the least, maintaining a proper appearance was a good try.]
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He pushes the door in with a hand and shuffles in, shutting it behind him with a click and resisting the urge and habit to lock it. There's a small unintentional huff of air as he sees the unkempt Helena burrito, the commiserating kind that knows that well. His hand goes to his hair and then he heads over to the small nightstand and there's a shuffling of paper and then a light thunk as he sets down the thermos.]
Ah, I took down some notes for class as well... I'll just leave them here, huh?
[He experimented with doing them in braille in real time but quickly had to stop when that was taking too much time and focus for the pace of the lesson... so it's been translation after the fact. The sounds of him uncapping the lid from the thermos and then pouring a viscous liquid with chunks into it appear... this might be more of a stew than a soup at this point.
Then the sound and weight of him coming over with it and sitting down crosslegged next to the hammock, warm soup held between his hands and looked down at before reaching up and lightly tapping it against her hand like 'you want some?' because she never actually said she did...]
What's that you're reading?
[His tone is curious, because he hasn't seen that before in the library, not that he's read every single one. Surely this is just a book she's reading that is entirely unrelated to current events from which her mind may be taken off by discussing it.]
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before she can thank him for the class notes, he mentions the book, and she shifts some to sit a little higher.]
...They left it for me.
[he'll know what "they" she means.]
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...Oh. S-sorry.
[Way to go on that one, Shin. Although how was he supposed to know? He fiddles with his scarf. The entire thing's going to be one big sore point, isn't it?]
You should probably eat something... take a break from it for now. It's not good to spend too long just doing the same thing, right?
[Just sort of a gentle tug, mildly hypocritical. He doesn't know if she's been pouring over it for hours and hours... but he can make a very educated guess. It'll still be there afterwards.]
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[but getting presentable and going back to bed wasn't ideal either. still, if she can muster a retort, she's in there. shifting, she sits up, and slowly finds a place to set the book down, along with a white cat plush that needed to give her some space.]
..."There's so much more I want to do." Keigo wrote that, Shin, in this book. I can't stop turning that around in my mind. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, other than it happened. I - I feel like I only just got them back, and now...
[the words flow out, but she stops them, hands in her lap.]
That's...selfish, isn't it. I'm not the only person the both of them meant something to.
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...
Yeah, it really doesn't...
[Why would they write that, and then... did Rantaro coerce them into it, or worse? It's a thought that sets up a horrible curdling sensation under his diaphragm. Why does this keep happening...? People he thought were...]
Selfish, huh... Does that even matter?
[There's something here he's not quite getting, and it's showing up in his voice, genuinely. What connects the two statements. Maybe if she was trying to keep their friendship all to herself... but Helena's not like that at all.]
It... only makes sense to be upset, right? To want to know what happened, too...
[To put it in someone else's words... ain't it natural to be angry? Shin hews a little too closely to the concept of if you aren't angry or upset you must not have cared, sometimes.]
What does that have to do with you not being the only one?
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[Subaru's gone somewhere, and she has to trust that he's keeping his promise, to not go back up the mountain. she had allowed herself one selfishness, to beg him to stay so she didn't lose him, and that had to be the quota. too much would be demanding, when she'd rather share the pain instead.
it's easier to be upset at herself than to admit she's upset because the two of them aren't here, that basic raw feeling.]
Keigo didn't just come back to me, they came back to everyone. Rantarou was someone people looked to. It's...all ours, it's not mine alone. I have to remember that before it's too much.
[her knees move up, so she can hold them, the hammock gently swaying with the motion. if she's strict with herself, if she tries to look for hope and thinks about control, then she can still be stable. still be a support for others who look to her, who need that. Subaru, shaking as he clung onto her. anyone who's praised her for her calm nature, for her listening.
she wishes the snow was back, to rage and batter the windows down.]
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[Even with the explanation...]
Can't say I get it... They'd have that much of a problem with it?
[With her? He'd have a problem with them, even if this might be like gaining the ire of a chihuahua. He can understand keeping everything locked down for the sake of the self, to not show weakness or to not break down completely in front of others... to not have to rely on or worry others... Oh.
It's a dim shaded inkling, but he's seen this before, actually, the lurking shape of it behind dusty frosted glass. Of course, that doesn't help any with knowing what to do about it, he's not even sure if he's even on the right track. He shuffles a little so that his back's to the hammock, and after a hesitation lifts up his hand, laying the back of it against hers.]
Well, it's not like they're all crammed in this room right now. Ahaha.
[Comfort always carries an inherent tension to Shin, the ways it can be used, but the desire to give it, the circuitous ways he tries to satisfy both. This... it does feel like skirting a little too close to the sun. He doesn't want to say like this 'you can trust me'. So whatever she chooses... he's okay with that.]
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...no one likes a girl who can't control herself.
[breathe in, breathe out. and it's not addressing the idea of selfishness, but this is a knot lodged in her chest that Shin might get, because he knows what it's like to have something's shadow cast over you, over your hands. when there are words pushed in so deep the scar tissue forms around them.]
A girl who acts out like a beast...that's unsightly. Unfit for company. But a girl who can be patient, and obedient, and kind...isn't that better? And when you are, and people like you, and look to you to be smart and calm and sensible-
[she's getting off track, but she can't make herself stop, like she's falling without knowing where the ground is.]
You want to make them happy, don't you? Even if they think you're someone you're not. Even if they think you did things you didn't. Why raise a fuss and ruin yourself? It's only letting them down.
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...
[This is so so far above anything he knows how to handle, any response that comes to mind, which none do.]
...Can't say I'm happy. Knowing you're this unhappy, underneath all that... But... Is it bad I'm a little relieved?
[That she's human, too. It's painful... he'd been starting to believe that too again, hadn't he? Smart, calm, sensible Helena... despite better judgement.]
I've... only known one person who was that perfect... and even he was selfish.
[It's hard, even with the gold flaked off, and the silver tarnish crept across, and the brass cracked and verdigrised, to really get rid of his idolization of the man completely, at the very least in terms of enviable skill, knowledge and composure, which dropped so very few and terrifying times. He should get his mind off this topic. It's the wrong comparison, anyway. Because what it really comes down to is:]
That's...
[Wanting the people you like to like you. Not wanting to let them down. Wanting to be a person worthy of them... the best person you can be. Feeling like you're not, but if you pretend hard enough... It's painful, in it's familiarity. It's loyalty, in the end.
And the ways it can be used.]
Ahaha... are those your words or someone else's?
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[even if they weren't hers to start with, they were hers now, suspended in amber, inescapable. it leaves her here, unable to find the way to express herself properly either way. couldn't explode like someone less aware. couldn't contain it all like someone better composed. she's stuck, and it's a painful place to be.
she just wants to have an answer. to not be at risk of collapse. to be good. and what that means, the definition changes from day to day. it's hard to keep up, when you just wish you could put your fist through glass.]
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Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
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how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
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All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
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but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
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[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
[Here and now, they have this.]