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[He pulls it back and sets it down next to him with a quiet thunk... push comes to shove he can drink this one and pour her another later if it gets too cold. He doesn't like the idea of wasting food.]
...Oh. S-sorry.
[Way to go on that one, Shin. Although how was he supposed to know? He fiddles with his scarf. The entire thing's going to be one big sore point, isn't it?]
You should probably eat something... take a break from it for now. It's not good to spend too long just doing the same thing, right?
[Just sort of a gentle tug, mildly hypocritical. He doesn't know if she's been pouring over it for hours and hours... but he can make a very educated guess. It'll still be there afterwards.]
...Oh. S-sorry.
[Way to go on that one, Shin. Although how was he supposed to know? He fiddles with his scarf. The entire thing's going to be one big sore point, isn't it?]
You should probably eat something... take a break from it for now. It's not good to spend too long just doing the same thing, right?
[Just sort of a gentle tug, mildly hypocritical. He doesn't know if she's been pouring over it for hours and hours... but he can make a very educated guess. It'll still be there afterwards.]
I haven't only been doing the same thing...I did get out of bed today.
[but getting presentable and going back to bed wasn't ideal either. still, if she can muster a retort, she's in there. shifting, she sits up, and slowly finds a place to set the book down, along with a white cat plush that needed to give her some space.]
..."There's so much more I want to do." Keigo wrote that, Shin, in this book. I can't stop turning that around in my mind. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, other than it happened. I - I feel like I only just got them back, and now...
[the words flow out, but she stops them, hands in her lap.]
That's...selfish, isn't it. I'm not the only person the both of them meant something to.
[but getting presentable and going back to bed wasn't ideal either. still, if she can muster a retort, she's in there. shifting, she sits up, and slowly finds a place to set the book down, along with a white cat plush that needed to give her some space.]
..."There's so much more I want to do." Keigo wrote that, Shin, in this book. I can't stop turning that around in my mind. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, other than it happened. I - I feel like I only just got them back, and now...
[the words flow out, but she stops them, hands in her lap.]
That's...selfish, isn't it. I'm not the only person the both of them meant something to.
[The plush is very cute... Sara stole all the black cat ones from the room when she left and he's still somewhat bitter about it because he helped get those. Now's not the time for that though.]
...
Yeah, it really doesn't...
[Why would they write that, and then... did Rantaro coerce them into it, or worse? It's a thought that sets up a horrible curdling sensation under his diaphragm. Why does this keep happening...? People he thought were...]
Selfish, huh... Does that even matter?
[There's something here he's not quite getting, and it's showing up in his voice, genuinely. What connects the two statements. Maybe if she was trying to keep their friendship all to herself... but Helena's not like that at all.]
It... only makes sense to be upset, right? To want to know what happened, too...
[To put it in someone else's words... ain't it natural to be angry? Shin hews a little too closely to the concept of if you aren't angry or upset you must not have cared, sometimes.]
What does that have to do with you not being the only one?
...
Yeah, it really doesn't...
[Why would they write that, and then... did Rantaro coerce them into it, or worse? It's a thought that sets up a horrible curdling sensation under his diaphragm. Why does this keep happening...? People he thought were...]
Selfish, huh... Does that even matter?
[There's something here he's not quite getting, and it's showing up in his voice, genuinely. What connects the two statements. Maybe if she was trying to keep their friendship all to herself... but Helena's not like that at all.]
It... only makes sense to be upset, right? To want to know what happened, too...
[To put it in someone else's words... ain't it natural to be angry? Shin hews a little too closely to the concept of if you aren't angry or upset you must not have cared, sometimes.]
What does that have to do with you not being the only one?
I can't...act like I'm the only person allowed to be unhappy about this. Subaru, Miss Akamatsu....more people lost them than just me. They're hurting too.
[Subaru's gone somewhere, and she has to trust that he's keeping his promise, to not go back up the mountain. she had allowed herself one selfishness, to beg him to stay so she didn't lose him, and that had to be the quota. too much would be demanding, when she'd rather share the pain instead.
it's easier to be upset at herself than to admit she's upset because the two of them aren't here, that basic raw feeling.]
Keigo didn't just come back to me, they came back to everyone. Rantarou was someone people looked to. It's...all ours, it's not mine alone. I have to remember that before it's too much.
[her knees move up, so she can hold them, the hammock gently swaying with the motion. if she's strict with herself, if she tries to look for hope and thinks about control, then she can still be stable. still be a support for others who look to her, who need that. Subaru, shaking as he clung onto her. anyone who's praised her for her calm nature, for her listening.
she wishes the snow was back, to rage and batter the windows down.]
[Subaru's gone somewhere, and she has to trust that he's keeping his promise, to not go back up the mountain. she had allowed herself one selfishness, to beg him to stay so she didn't lose him, and that had to be the quota. too much would be demanding, when she'd rather share the pain instead.
it's easier to be upset at herself than to admit she's upset because the two of them aren't here, that basic raw feeling.]
Keigo didn't just come back to me, they came back to everyone. Rantarou was someone people looked to. It's...all ours, it's not mine alone. I have to remember that before it's too much.
[her knees move up, so she can hold them, the hammock gently swaying with the motion. if she's strict with herself, if she tries to look for hope and thinks about control, then she can still be stable. still be a support for others who look to her, who need that. Subaru, shaking as he clung onto her. anyone who's praised her for her calm nature, for her listening.
she wishes the snow was back, to rage and batter the windows down.]
...
[Even with the explanation...]
Can't say I get it... They'd have that much of a problem with it?
[With her? He'd have a problem with them, even if this might be like gaining the ire of a chihuahua. He can understand keeping everything locked down for the sake of the self, to not show weakness or to not break down completely in front of others... to not have to rely on or worry others... Oh.
It's a dim shaded inkling, but he's seen this before, actually, the lurking shape of it behind dusty frosted glass. Of course, that doesn't help any with knowing what to do about it, he's not even sure if he's even on the right track. He shuffles a little so that his back's to the hammock, and after a hesitation lifts up his hand, laying the back of it against hers.]
Well, it's not like they're all crammed in this room right now. Ahaha.
[Comfort always carries an inherent tension to Shin, the ways it can be used, but the desire to give it, the circuitous ways he tries to satisfy both. This... it does feel like skirting a little too close to the sun. He doesn't want to say like this 'you can trust me'. So whatever she chooses... he's okay with that.]
[Even with the explanation...]
Can't say I get it... They'd have that much of a problem with it?
[With her? He'd have a problem with them, even if this might be like gaining the ire of a chihuahua. He can understand keeping everything locked down for the sake of the self, to not show weakness or to not break down completely in front of others... to not have to rely on or worry others... Oh.
It's a dim shaded inkling, but he's seen this before, actually, the lurking shape of it behind dusty frosted glass. Of course, that doesn't help any with knowing what to do about it, he's not even sure if he's even on the right track. He shuffles a little so that his back's to the hammock, and after a hesitation lifts up his hand, laying the back of it against hers.]
Well, it's not like they're all crammed in this room right now. Ahaha.
[Comfort always carries an inherent tension to Shin, the ways it can be used, but the desire to give it, the circuitous ways he tries to satisfy both. This... it does feel like skirting a little too close to the sun. He doesn't want to say like this 'you can trust me'. So whatever she chooses... he's okay with that.]
Edited (minor tweak) 2022-03-03 12:32 (UTC)
[the touch of his hand is unexpected, but she can't help the way she clutches to it, takes it like the gift it is. he's here, and he's alive, and he'll hear the shaking in her breath when she draws in, breathes out. close, so close to tears, but trying to remain steady, desperately trying to save face. it's not really working, she feels like she'll blow away in the wind, shatter on the ground in so many thin and sharp pieces.]
...no one likes a girl who can't control herself.
[breathe in, breathe out. and it's not addressing the idea of selfishness, but this is a knot lodged in her chest that Shin might get, because he knows what it's like to have something's shadow cast over you, over your hands. when there are words pushed in so deep the scar tissue forms around them.]
A girl who acts out like a beast...that's unsightly. Unfit for company. But a girl who can be patient, and obedient, and kind...isn't that better? And when you are, and people like you, and look to you to be smart and calm and sensible-
[she's getting off track, but she can't make herself stop, like she's falling without knowing where the ground is.]
You want to make them happy, don't you? Even if they think you're someone you're not. Even if they think you did things you didn't. Why raise a fuss and ruin yourself? It's only letting them down.
...no one likes a girl who can't control herself.
[breathe in, breathe out. and it's not addressing the idea of selfishness, but this is a knot lodged in her chest that Shin might get, because he knows what it's like to have something's shadow cast over you, over your hands. when there are words pushed in so deep the scar tissue forms around them.]
A girl who acts out like a beast...that's unsightly. Unfit for company. But a girl who can be patient, and obedient, and kind...isn't that better? And when you are, and people like you, and look to you to be smart and calm and sensible-
[she's getting off track, but she can't make herself stop, like she's falling without knowing where the ground is.]
You want to make them happy, don't you? Even if they think you're someone you're not. Even if they think you did things you didn't. Why raise a fuss and ruin yourself? It's only letting them down.
[ The weeks of full awareness in this place so far have been strange, not only for the awful moments. Alice has grown accustomed to sharing a room with others again, and greeting familiar faces around the school grounds — he's found himself looking forward to their company, noticing the absence of some. Combined, it's a recipe for worry, knowing that certain individuals are here, but outside of that, far worse has taken place.
Helena Adams didn't look well, during yesterday's meeting — understandably. The thought is one that Alice returns to, much like the earlier realization that Helena had all but vanished for several days before she reappeared. She has others to lean on — Shin Tsukimi, for one — but even so, Alice's feet take him to Helena's door today.
There, he knocks, draws back a step, and waits. ]
Helena Adams didn't look well, during yesterday's meeting — understandably. The thought is one that Alice returns to, much like the earlier realization that Helena had all but vanished for several days before she reappeared. She has others to lean on — Shin Tsukimi, for one — but even so, Alice's feet take him to Helena's door today.
There, he knocks, draws back a step, and waits. ]
[fortunately, she's in. she still hasn't been in classes - she's decided to give herself a full week before she makes that attempt again - but she's still doing things in the safety of the dorm. hair brushed, clean clothes, trying to eat more than a meal a day. the success on the last is mixed. so when she answers the door, she's still pale, but at least she's gotten some sleep.
honestly, she almost doesn't want to answer it. she's still embarrassed from yesterday, how she acted and lost her temper. it's...she hates it, really, and now her reputation is no doubt in pieces. but Subaru would have just come in, and Shin announces his presence, same as Lucifer...she has no idea who could have come by.]
Good afternoon...
[please don't be Bonnie. or worse, Rika.]
honestly, she almost doesn't want to answer it. she's still embarrassed from yesterday, how she acted and lost her temper. it's...she hates it, really, and now her reputation is no doubt in pieces. but Subaru would have just come in, and Shin announces his presence, same as Lucifer...she has no idea who could have come by.]
Good afternoon...
[please don't be Bonnie. or worse, Rika.]
All right! [ Nanami's a bit surprised but definitely delighted that Helena's up for going. ] It's just behind the dorms.
[ She doesn't know the best way to lead Helena there, but she figures that Helena's lived in the school long enough to know her way around there. She walks just a little bit ahead and to the side of Helena, keeping an eye on her as they leave the dorms.
Outside, a cold wind is blowing, causing the wisteria tree's leaves to rustle. Nanami looks up, uneasily reminded of the day she arrived. And how they were here to greet-- her heart twists. ]
I-it's just past the edge of the forest. My hand's in front of you if that'll help.
[ She doesn't know the best way to lead Helena there, but she figures that Helena's lived in the school long enough to know her way around there. She walks just a little bit ahead and to the side of Helena, keeping an eye on her as they leave the dorms.
Outside, a cold wind is blowing, causing the wisteria tree's leaves to rustle. Nanami looks up, uneasily reminded of the day she arrived. And how they were here to greet-- her heart twists. ]
I-it's just past the edge of the forest. My hand's in front of you if that'll help.
Good afternoon, Helena Adams.
[ So as not to keep Helena wondering who her unplanned visitor might be, Alice hastens to return the greeting, softer than his voice usually tends to sound. It must be distinguishable from others' voices by now, he imagines, the moment he speaks instead of merely standing there.
His eyes travel over Helena's features, noting the lingering signs of the week taking its toll on her. Her nights have surely been restless.
He doesn't doubt that she has received other visitors, friends coming to see how she's faring, and his own presence is hardly necessary... He could pretend otherwise, bolstered by a single memory, but what can he even offer her?
All the same, here he is. ]
I... won't stay long, if you wish to be alone.
[ So as not to keep Helena wondering who her unplanned visitor might be, Alice hastens to return the greeting, softer than his voice usually tends to sound. It must be distinguishable from others' voices by now, he imagines, the moment he speaks instead of merely standing there.
His eyes travel over Helena's features, noting the lingering signs of the week taking its toll on her. Her nights have surely been restless.
He doesn't doubt that she has received other visitors, friends coming to see how she's faring, and his own presence is hardly necessary... He could pretend otherwise, bolstered by a single memory, but what can he even offer her?
All the same, here he is. ]
I... won't stay long, if you wish to be alone.
[Mr. Yabusame? a surprise, for sure - but she shakes her head, since she won't turn him away. his voice wasn't among the ones she was expecting, but if she had to pick, his certainly wasn't going to be amiss.]
That's all right, I don't mind. Would you like to come in for a bit?
[thankfully, Subaru's out, so it means she can ask people in without awkwardness.]
That's all right, I don't mind. Would you like to come in for a bit?
[thankfully, Subaru's out, so it means she can ask people in without awkwardness.]
[her cane guides her, the little taps providing enough information to move by. she's walked this path much, anyway, from going to build snow bunnies to sledding to trying to push against the barrier and not making it out. now, she's not going with a joyful purpose, but a purpose all the same.]
Thank you. But I've got it...just lead me to the where.
Thank you. But I've got it...just lead me to the where.
Ah... Thank you.
[ Of course — it would be rather weird if he were to stand outside in the hallway for the two of them to carry on a conversation across the threshold. Upon being invited, he moves closer to enter the room, announcing his approach with each step, audible against the hard floor. Since he'll take up almost the entire doorway coming through, he waits for Helena to return to any chosen seat before he heads further in himself.
Then it occurs to him that she'll most likely want to close the door again, and so he hurriedly vacates that area. Truthfully, visiting a different dorm room makes him curious — Star 4 is filled with unique items... No doubt Star 1 reflects the tastes of its occupants as well. ]
At any rate, it... was a relief to see you about...
[ Of course — it would be rather weird if he were to stand outside in the hallway for the two of them to carry on a conversation across the threshold. Upon being invited, he moves closer to enter the room, announcing his approach with each step, audible against the hard floor. Since he'll take up almost the entire doorway coming through, he waits for Helena to return to any chosen seat before he heads further in himself.
Then it occurs to him that she'll most likely want to close the door again, and so he hurriedly vacates that area. Truthfully, visiting a different dorm room makes him curious — Star 4 is filled with unique items... No doubt Star 1 reflects the tastes of its occupants as well. ]
At any rate, it... was a relief to see you about...
Okay. [ It just takes her a couple seconds to find the right path leading out of the clearing - it's started to get worn down a bit, but there's still plenty of grass, softly crunching under her feet as she walks the path.
First she finds the tree that Sara found her under the previous day, wind whistling through its trees - then she makes a left, pushes through some taller weeds and past a couple bushes in order to get to the right spot. She checks behind her every couple seconds to make sure Helena's following well enough. ]
It's just here. [ She stops in front of the little cairn - a small pile of gacha rocks, surrounded by a little circle of the same rocks to mark a memorial site. ]
It's... a little bit for all of them. Even if I didn't know the Arisus, really...
First she finds the tree that Sara found her under the previous day, wind whistling through its trees - then she makes a left, pushes through some taller weeds and past a couple bushes in order to get to the right spot. She checks behind her every couple seconds to make sure Helena's following well enough. ]
It's just here. [ She stops in front of the little cairn - a small pile of gacha rocks, surrounded by a little circle of the same rocks to mark a memorial site. ]
It's... a little bit for all of them. Even if I didn't know the Arisus, really...
[there's a noticeable gap in the room, where a bunk bed should go. beyond that, the wall has a dazzling array of suncatchers, bright and reflecting the light from the open ceiling, no doubt put there by another occupant. at present, the desk they "borrowed" from the school has its chair, papers and a few notebooks stacked on it. the twin beds that remain in the room have been pushed together, covered in a mix of blankets, and a hammock is a resting place for a small assortment of plushies - cat, bunny, and a creature that can only be described as "uncanny."
it's a quieter room than his, to be sure. she'll take up a seat on the bed, and let him choose wherever he pleases. for a second, his words are confusing, and then she remembers her own absence.]
Sorry to worry you...going to classes seemed a bit daunting, so I stayed here, mostly. But don't worry, I'm not going to fall behind or anything.
it's a quieter room than his, to be sure. she'll take up a seat on the bed, and let him choose wherever he pleases. for a second, his words are confusing, and then she remembers her own absence.]
Sorry to worry you...going to classes seemed a bit daunting, so I stayed here, mostly. But don't worry, I'm not going to fall behind or anything.
That's kind of you.
[she's quiet, coming nearer to it, and when she's close enough, she stops and kneels on the ground, the damp earth cold through the fabric of her skirt. it feels right, it feels sacred, like approaching an altar to pray. only, she doesn't want to pray if someone else can hear her - not these kind of prayers.]
You said Miss Chidouin helped you, as well?
[even in her grief, she still bears that silent resentment, and so Sara gets her last name.]
[she's quiet, coming nearer to it, and when she's close enough, she stops and kneels on the ground, the damp earth cold through the fabric of her skirt. it feels right, it feels sacred, like approaching an altar to pray. only, she doesn't want to pray if someone else can hear her - not these kind of prayers.]
You said Miss Chidouin helped you, as well?
[even in her grief, she still bears that silent resentment, and so Sara gets her last name.]
Mm... [ She keeps defaulting to last names anyway by instinct, so she doesn't really notice Helena's veiled intent with the wording. ]
It was her idea... I helped build it, though.
[ Shuffling awkwardly on her feet, grass crunching under her. Rubbing her fingers against the buttons on her game console, in her pocket, for comfort. ]
They're not here for me to be kind to... it's for us, I guess. I needed a place to... think about all this. Maybe talk to them a little.
It was her idea... I helped build it, though.
[ Shuffling awkwardly on her feet, grass crunching under her. Rubbing her fingers against the buttons on her game console, in her pocket, for comfort. ]
They're not here for me to be kind to... it's for us, I guess. I needed a place to... think about all this. Maybe talk to them a little.
...How well did you know them, Miss Chiaki?
[it's an honest question, born of a grieving heart. asked softly, as she stays where she is, bringing her cane across her lap to keep her steady.
breathing. if she was a worse person, uncontrolled by her education, her will, she'd want to scream at the heavens for the injustice of making death hurt again.]
[it's an honest question, born of a grieving heart. asked softly, as she stays where she is, bringing her cane across her lap to keep her steady.
breathing. if she was a worse person, uncontrolled by her education, her will, she'd want to scream at the heavens for the injustice of making death hurt again.]
[ Two, she'd never met. One, only in passing, at meetings and in the hallways. But the fourth was who had brought horrified tears to her eyes the previous day. She lowers her gaze. ]
I only have memories from the last few weeks... even though I was here before. But... Arata-san and I made the school store posters together. They helped me at a time when I needed it. We talked, and played games together...
[ Her voice falters and dies. It hadn't been enough. There's never enough time. All the time spent with Keigo and she barely knew them. ]
What about you, Helena-san? [ She already... guesses, that Helena knew both of them better. The shrieks and sobs from the previous day aren't something she'll easily forget. ]
I only have memories from the last few weeks... even though I was here before. But... Arata-san and I made the school store posters together. They helped me at a time when I needed it. We talked, and played games together...
[ Her voice falters and dies. It hadn't been enough. There's never enough time. All the time spent with Keigo and she barely knew them. ]
What about you, Helena-san? [ She already... guesses, that Helena knew both of them better. The shrieks and sobs from the previous day aren't something she'll easily forget. ]
Edited 2022-03-12 08:50 (UTC)
[her hands fiddle with the cane on her lap, and she wonders how much to tell. that Rantarou was the first person to treat her with kindness here. that she's held Keigo when they were small and big alike, her clothes stained with their tears and their name given to her like a blessing.]
I knew them well.
[it's not a game to be won, this pain.]
...Sorry, Miss Chiaki, but I think I want to be alone for a little while.
[before she weeps again, salts the earth with it, and falls to pieces in a grief that wants to bitterly lash out at anything that comes near.]
I knew them well.
[it's not a game to be won, this pain.]
...Sorry, Miss Chiaki, but I think I want to be alone for a little while.
[before she weeps again, salts the earth with it, and falls to pieces in a grief that wants to bitterly lash out at anything that comes near.]
Of course. [ It's a completely understandable request. Nanami would hear more if Helena wanted to offer it, today or another day...
But she was surprised Helena was alright with spending as much time with Nanami as she did, after yesterday. And Nanami goes to the cairn as a place to privately grieve, too... ]
I'll go make Subaru-kun's sandwich. I'll talk to you later, Helena-san.
[ And she's traipsing back to the school, her soft footsteps in the grass receding as she returns home. ]
But she was surprised Helena was alright with spending as much time with Nanami as she did, after yesterday. And Nanami goes to the cairn as a place to privately grieve, too... ]
I'll go make Subaru-kun's sandwich. I'll talk to you later, Helena-san.
[ And she's traipsing back to the school, her soft footsteps in the grass receding as she returns home. ]
[ On the whole, the room seems nicely decorated, cozy. It doesn't appear to contain anything hazardous, simply arranged for normal everyday use. The plushies are charming — even the odd one out beside a cat and a bunny — and Alice entertains the possibility that they might be shared between Helena and her roommates.
That said, the space where another bed should be stands out. Natsume Sakasaki came to Star 4 from another room, didn't he? He and Helena Adams seem to be more than mere acquaintances or casual roommates.
Not entirely sure where to claim a seat, Alice steps closer to the bed. He isn't here to ask nosy questions. ]
...Why are you apologizing to me, Helena Adams? [ Again! Even though she hasn't done anything wrong... ] You don't owe me an explanation.
That said, the space where another bed should be stands out. Natsume Sakasaki came to Star 4 from another room, didn't he? He and Helena Adams seem to be more than mere acquaintances or casual roommates.
Not entirely sure where to claim a seat, Alice steps closer to the bed. He isn't here to ask nosy questions. ]
...Why are you apologizing to me, Helena Adams? [ Again! Even though she hasn't done anything wrong... ] You don't owe me an explanation.
Because I caused you anxiety. Of course I'd apologize for that.
[sensing his state, she decides to pat the bed next to her. it's okay, after all - after sleeping in the same room, and him witnessing her nightmares, a few of the regular steps of decorum can be skipped.]
...And you witnessed me losing control, at that meeting.
[she's sorry for that, too. even with Maple's conversation, she can't shake the last few threads that want to call it a disgrace.]
[sensing his state, she decides to pat the bed next to her. it's okay, after all - after sleeping in the same room, and him witnessing her nightmares, a few of the regular steps of decorum can be skipped.]
...And you witnessed me losing control, at that meeting.
[she's sorry for that, too. even with Maple's conversation, she can't shake the last few threads that want to call it a disgrace.]
[ He's silent for a moment, contemplating Helena's perspective, as he sits down beside her as prompted. The mattress dips beneath him; head turned to regard Helena, he shifts to cross one leg over the other. ]
You're human, aren't you? You may be remarkably polite and composed most of the time, but you experience emotions like anyone else. Obviously I don't know what others thought, but I didn't think badly of you for your absence or the meeting...
[ Could anyone, when it's clear that both were the product of grief? Plenty of people have done worse. ]
You're human, aren't you? You may be remarkably polite and composed most of the time, but you experience emotions like anyone else. Obviously I don't know what others thought, but I didn't think badly of you for your absence or the meeting...
[ Could anyone, when it's clear that both were the product of grief? Plenty of people have done worse. ]
...Thank you, Mr. Yabusame.
[she could protest, could explain how the entire affair simply wasn't like her, but she's had enough conversation that simple acceptance seems like the best answer. she is human, even though she'd rather be more composed than not.]
I meant what I said there - I wish there was another path, one where everyone was still alive, but life is never that simple. Not in this place.
[and now, she can only whisper to the monument in the forest that she forgives Rantarou Amami, because he must have suffered so silently. alone, when he didn't need to.]
[she could protest, could explain how the entire affair simply wasn't like her, but she's had enough conversation that simple acceptance seems like the best answer. she is human, even though she'd rather be more composed than not.]
I meant what I said there - I wish there was another path, one where everyone was still alive, but life is never that simple. Not in this place.
[and now, she can only whisper to the monument in the forest that she forgives Rantarou Amami, because he must have suffered so silently. alone, when he didn't need to.]
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