[It matters! It very much matters! Of course it matters! Some part of him is yelling, even as the rest of him is catching it by the arm.]
Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
[she takes a deep breath, but then just holds his hand a little tighter. she could talk, defend it, explain where it came from - even the kindest people wanted it to be so, were happier like that.
how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
[That's the thing... if this is already skirting the edge... then telling her what to do, what to think... that's the one thing he can't do. That would be too far. His comfort, his opinion, he can give... but the idea itself of being a whisper in her ear feels like tar in his mouth, because it wouldn't even matter that he doesn't know the right thing to say, it's in the act itself. He... doesn't want to try be that, anymore. He never wanted to, really, and he doesn't need to be to survive, here and with her.
All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
[it's a question no one has asked her, and she's desperate for it, because asking means there's permission. she can say what she wants - because someone is requesting this information. she doesn't have to merely take what's been handed, swallow it down endlessly, sick of the bitterness.
but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
Ahaha... that's funny... because I was gonna do that anyway.
[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
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no subject
Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
no subject
how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
no subject
All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
no subject
but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
no subject
[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
[Here and now, they have this.]