[she crumples, letting herself collapse against Midori, tears coming back to her eyes. she shakes with them, but they're silent now, her hands coming to cover her face. she hates it, hates it - the pain of hurting them to save them. if she could just easily be hated, that would be better. then she could taken time, rebuild what was destroyed. but it...
it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
[ they're harsh words, they're violent, but they're the golden color of truth — a vibrant red that replaces the blood that could spread if she uses them correctly. her words can cause harm, but there are some here who won't budge, and all her efforts will collapse. ]
Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
[please don't leave me, she wants to say, even though he's already promised not to. because standing alone in hell, you die. it's cold and it's your time slipping through your hands. one hand drops, finds his shirt, grasps it, and written across her now exposed features is everything she's feeling.]
How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
He is not as different as you believe him to be, Miss Helena.
[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
Oh, but you are... to stop both the scorn and hate towards him means that you must protect him.
[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?
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no subject
it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
no subject
Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
no subject
How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
no subject
[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
Do you understand?
no subject
[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
no subject
[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
no subject
[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
no subject
[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?