[it's night when she stirs, feeling like she's surfacing, throat dry - she coughs, and it hurts, everything hurts so deeply, like every nerve was ground against the pavement. the bed she's in - bed? she remembers the forest, the scent of the plants, the earth, her own blood. things are so strange, swimming in her head, and her dreams have been so far away, like she's been melted down for ore, reshaped. scented in blood, the taste of it in her mouth, cold and falling-
her body in new and strange configurations. but she's alive - alive, her heartbeat says, even as it hurts to breathe.
she can't help the soft sound she makes, trying to move - her limbs are heavy, and they hurt - it smells clean in here, and she's trying to place it even as her head is foggy. so strongly, she recalls not wanting to die, and here she is. but how? she should have bled out on the ground, should have been left as a corpse for someone to find, no matter how hard she had tried to think of the way back, some miracle that would have brought her body back to them. who...how, she has to think.]
[ the moment she awakes, helena can feel it all at once, and then nothing after. the immediate pain which swallows her body, the aches that reaches to the tip of her toes, to the tight sensation in her abdomen, and the throbbing knock in the back of her head. there's no part of her body that doesn't instill a growing pain, and sometimes it feels like her body is numb all at once. if she forces herself, she might be able to move how she likes, but she'll know she's unable to get far, and that one wrong move might rip open stitches important.
by her is a tray if she decides to move her arms, and on that tray is an empty bottle, a few cotton balls, alcohol wipes, and last would be the sharp end of a scalpel. if she's not careful, she'll find up hurting herself if she does attempt to investigate.
aside from that, she'll hear the slow breathing of someone close by, a steady inhale and exhale as if the person has fell asleep watching over her petite frame. hands together in prayer, over his chest, midori rests with eyes closed like he's part of the deceased; sadly helena is unable to see that, but she should be able to tell the different from breathing-awake to breathing-asleep.
besides, wouldn't they have said something if they knew she was shifting in bed? ]
[everything, everything hurts. she can't even pinpoint a place. even so, she has to figure out where she is. but even more so, she has to raise her arms. one goes up, slow, feels the edge of the tray. her ears hear the breathing - someone asleep - and she has to try to piece together clues. not her bed, not the manor - there's not the dust and the weight. so, Yogen, but where in Yogen? someone saved her. unless she's in between even more, again, and she wonders why she couldn't visit that beach one more time.]
Where...
[her voice is soft, her throat hurts, but the words come out still.]
Please...where am I?
[please wake up. hear her, or she'll be forced to try and knock the tray over to make a noise. help her, because to not know where she is or who is near, that much scares her.]
[ humans are interesting creatures. some are afraid of the dark, others feel comfortable in the silence, but the unknown is always a feeling that pulls at them, rests a hand on their shoulder in order to intimidate a person— that is a human's greatest fear. as they wish to know everything, the cause and effect, and what reason has brought them to where they are now. it's because she doesn't know that he can hear the shake in her voice, the confusion, and trepidation laced in her voice; the cadence remains the same, soft and more than he would have expected. after what she suffered, he believes that she shouldn't be able to talk, but here she is... ]
Shhh... shh...
[ he's not asleep, but he breathes like he does, and his eyes won't even open. the breathing is replaced with words, and she can get her answer. it's a familiar voice that's a little ways from her, but close enough. ]
Where are you? [ midori repeats, letting her know that he's heard. ] You're safe... no one can hurt you while you're here.
[Dr. Sunny...the voice is instantly placed, even though her head aches with everything, and that is some consolation. a doctor's here, even though part of her wants Miss Dyer, wants familiarity. the unknown, unfamiliar, is what tears at her. but he says she's safe, and she wants to believe it - she doesn't want to be running right now, or blown up, or any of her other fates.]
Really?
[please. all she wants right now is to be warm and calm, if she can't be held - but anyone holding her would simply make it all hurt worse. she can feel some of the injuries - where she's been sewn up, where bandages try to be softer - and she has to try and breathe.]
It hurts so much, though...
[she hates how pathetic she sounds. but right now, there is no way to be mature, to be collected and dignified. she would cry, if it wouldn't be agonizing.]
[ a place where no wrong is done, where all illnesses and aches are not meant to hurt, but to heal. she doesn't understand that properly, as to why her body hurts all over, and he draws silence between them once more so that it screams loud in her ears, how tranquil everything is at this moment, but she'll hear the faintest drips of an iv bag next to her— drip, drip, drip — the sound stretched out until the liquid settles. ]
That is healing, if you think of it as anything other than such... your mind will ensure that it feels worse.
[ how the thoughts of masochists work when they can turn pain into pleasure, but this time she can know pain can become the salve, a bandage, and that her wounds are closing, growing, and breathing new scabs over to heal. she's still a child, but she's still human, and so this sensation would feel terrible, make her feel tired, and even worse like she has nowhere to go. she's cornered into this room in a position that will most likely be what she's stuck in.
well, if she thinks of it as a cocoon that she will soon break free from, it doesn't sound so bad. ]
What did you see before waking up?
[ her life flash before her eyes? brown hair? gold eyes? a stained ceiling of brown dust and various dots? a dream? technically, she can't see, but what did her brain imagine at that moment, or in her subconscious. whites, blacks, grays, outlines? ]
[that doesn't tell her where on campus she is, but she has to accept it. maybe she's somewhere that right now, she can't be bothered while she recovers. healing in a sanctuary - and the doctor, her friend and guardian while she's in such a fragile state. he asks a question, and so she has to answer, trying to rearrange her thoughts.]
Light, then dark...so much so. Like falling.
[like the weightlessness of herself falling from a cliff, although it's not icy water that greeted her on the other side. she stops trying to move, the ache and exhaustion too much to do so, when she'd rather save her energy for talking instead.]
Have to...tell them...
[her friends. they need to know she's alive. the agitation is only going to grow if they can't know, she knows they'll be worried, looking]
Death is like that... a descent... The situation you were in, it would send anyone to hell.
[ her limbs crushes, bone broken, but as for her spirit... he noticed that cane protected in her grasp, something she held onto and would not let go. that leg had remained holding her up mentally and spiritually even though her body was trampled all over by repulsive desires and the like of dito. he's someone who plays with his toys, holds a doll between his teeth and shakes his head left and right until all the stuffing starts to bubble through the strips, and fall onto the floor beside him. ]
You're very lucky to have made it.
[ lucky, or blessed that midori exists to save her the moment that he did. there's a pause as he listens, knowing that she wants to let her whereabouts be known. he thinks about it, his eyes glance to his pda sitting on the window sill, until his eyes fall back onto her instead. ]
...In this condition? That would be no good, it'd make them worry, and would you truly want them to see you like this? It's not a good sight, Miss Helena...
[they'll think she's dead. even as she doesn't want them to worry, to see her looking pathetic. Helena has to look put together, has to be strong for them. they need her to be okay. if she vanishes for days, won't they be sick?
[ midori has been to hell, too. well his floor was meant to symbolize death, mock it, for it was something he never wanted to experience. that's how all the floors were, just reminders of their dislike, and things that would never change, and there the participants come to tread on it.
they were all part of that game, floormasters too.
but midori embraced hell by his own rules, and if there was a throne, then he would push who was off just to survive. ]
This compared to what you already been through is nothing then... what sort of hell had trapped you, Miss Helena.
[no matter how far she ran. no matter how much she decoded, how many times she left the gate. it was the same, the same, the same - the same game, the same terrors that never dulled. on and on and on. death and running. death, and fear. pain and hopelessness, a desolate place where nothing could grow except sorrow.]
Nowhere is safe. Nowhere at all.
[she's distressed, her tone says, but still disoriented. uncertain what or how to feel.]
Miss Helena... where you are is no maze, it's straightforward.
[ he reaches out to grab her hand, warm hands the one gently, and his thumb brushes the top of her slowly, reassuring. that's how he reaches them, how he bonds through comforting touches so that she knows there's someone by her side. an ally. ]
It's safe here, if anything comes... it has to go through me. As long as you hear the sound of my voice, nothing else will harm you.
[ his eyes widen, glow for a moment before dimming down to their regular shade. he's the monster that must be defeated for anyone to enter his sanctuary, and this place isn't a location that many wish to tread. they're afraid, scared that midori might do something unforgiving — there's some people who don't want to know what he's capable of. his control over so many people is a strong one, he has the foundation to keep dito in line, he doesn't like when others completely break his toys, and so he has to act in order to keep them in tip-top shape, the same with helena.
midori caresses her hand down to the tips of her fingers, oh, he loves the human body and their will. humans are just so interesting...
she may not be able to take the gesture in full with the wrapping around a few of her fingers, but at least the pain is numbed that she doesn't know the other hand has a few broken bones. ]
You can trust me, I'm by your side, after all.
[ as a comfort, as a friend, and a doctor. ] I would have fought in that hell with you.
[it registers enough to her, and he'll feel how some of the tension leaves her, how she relaxes from the touch, the kind words. that all she's really asking for is companionship and contact, while the world is uncertain and she's been left less independent than before. he's warm, and this place seems to hold her, and if she doesn't move it doesn't hurt.
it's safe. someone's looking out for her. someone's protecting her, and as much as she doesn't want to be coddled, treated too gently, thought of as pathetic...right now, she needs that protection. her gratitude for it can't be spoken.
it's not that she's worried he'll come back and finish the job - he somehow never did, he never finished the process, as if destiny said that he'd never truly cut her throat. it's the idea of someone else. something else slipping in, even though it was clear through every heartbeat, every moment, that she wanted to live. that she refused to simply die. she has to keep living, for its own sake. because there are people she loves with all her heart, that she needs to reach out to again. because there are things Helena needs to witness the end of.
Helena's breathing eases, and she understands, that right now, this place is a sanctuary. all she has to do is heal. all she has to do is go back to sleep. her fingers twitch, so loosely trying to hold onto his.]
You're too kind, doctor.
[the drugs blur her focus enough that she has no choice but to trust him.]
I'm so glad you were never there...that you were free.
[ he doesn't allow his hands to move, and instead keep them there so what energy helena has left can hold onto him. he's her support where she doesn't have her cane to hold onto, and so he remains stiff without moving, but his lips inch to the side in order to form a smile; he's pleased with the developments. those in this position have no one to hold but themselves all because they can't see, and they need hands held out to them if they're going to be able to take it.
as long as there's this bond, the one created in her mind as the drugs work on her emotions and though process, then he's able to find a way in. she's invited him, no less, by wishing the best for him, and with a shake of his head. ]
That's no good, Miss Helena. As your ally, I would have wanted to be there... so much can be done when one person isn't alone.
[ his fingers brush gently against the skin as he leans forward, and she can hear his chair creak along with his voice growing. ]
Just like this time... because I was there with you at that final moment, together, we made a difference. That Hell you once lived in, that could have been different too...
[ he sighs, trying to keep a gentle smile on his face. ] I hope you understand, Miss Helena, I wouldn't want you to be by yourself.
[reassured, calmed, brought back to reason from touch and the right words. willing to accept what must be done to heal. if her state is truly so terrible...then how could she be awake enough to explain it to her friends? to create a good cover story that they'll accept. oh, she's tired again, and if she doesn't move, it won't hurt.]
Don't strain yourself, your body is still recovering...
[ thanking him is what he deserves, and the fact that she relies on him even now works in his favor as he keeps his hold onto her hand. ]
...As your nurse, I'll be tending to all your needs. For now, you have to think about what to do after this.
[ she can think, accept her responsibility, and the pain she's going to offer to others once they figure out where she is. she has so much time to think about that while she rests here in his sanctuary. ]
Even if the whole world loathes you, I'll still care, so please don't think of yourself as ever truly alone.
Can...I sleep a little more, before I think about after?
[with the panic subsided, and the pain medication allowed to take hold, healing is an exhausting process. it was always fixed so quickly, she had forgotten how tedious it could be. the movements quelled, so the pain allowed to die down, at least dulled enough to sleep with. warmth, reassurance. no heavy hands on her shoulders, but holding hers, so that she might know where they stand. protected, not in some glass cage, but more like a cocoon, allowed to mend.
it's definitely the drugs, but she feels safe in a way that she usually felt when she was falling asleep next to Subaru.]
Sleep as much as you need, I'll be here watching over you.
[ as a doctor, and one with a helping hand. as the creature that lurks in the night, and someone who can mend every problem that she's having at the moment— he is a savior, but he is also the common man. he can be whatever she needs at the moment while she rests, and he reminds her before she dozes that he will always be by her side. for better or for worse. ]
Not one dream will plague you while you're here.
[ his other hand lifts, touching helena's forehead lightly to brush away strands of hair. ]
[she can keep it together enough, keep herself managed until Shin and Alice leave. she can remain happy, and kind, and be there as a friend for them. and all the while, her heart hurts worse and worse, until they depart and she hears footsteps fade.
the lie should blacken her tongue, rot her soul. the lie should be obvious, and they should press her until her blood leaks from her veins, until her bones crush. guilt claws at her throat, sears her inside. until it's too much to bear, away from them.
even though it makes her injuries hurt, her chest full of pain, she has to weep. for them, who don't know she's lying. for herself, for being such a wicked person.]
[ he enters not too long after they've all left, almost right on time as if he's known they've been gone for awhile. he can tell when a patient is wounded in the heart because she bears no fresh wounds that force her body to react in such a way, and so it must have been what was said in the conversation. a cut in the heart... those are just as deadly without using a scalpel, and instead using sharp words.
...
it must be because she's never led them astray, but her words were nothing more than lies, and he even thought how their conversation went was the female praying for them to trust her. she used their trust, dirtied her words and hands in order for them not to confront who had put her in this position. ]
Shhh, shhh... I'm here. I'm sorry for taking too long.
[ he reaches for her hands, and there's a handkerchief placed against her palm for the female to take. ]
[the doctor knows, and so she can be honest with him. the handkerchief is gripped before she brings it up to wipe her eyes, though her tears won't stop. they flow, free and honest, from where they were last night. she had tried so hard to be brave - to lie correctly, and she did, and it's the ugliest feeling in the world.]
They believed me...they believed me, and I can't bear it. I'm so wicked, doctor...
[if a hand is still near hers, she's taking it.]
Oh, I can't stand lying to them like this...Subaru and Natsume and all the rest.
[ he would know, those are generally the people that keep his interest. those that can lie and play with the heartstrings of another person, the way her fingers dance along each one with steady thrum of her fingertips. though, she used her voice to do so, and they listened to the siren's song, compelled and satisfied. ]
Using that appeal is how you can protect yourself and others.
[ fool those whose hearts are weak... subaru, natsume, alice, and even shin, ahaha... ]
What do you think would happen if you were honest?
They'd go after him. They'd try to extract revenge, but he'd just end up killing them...or at least leaving them similar to me. He's so strong, and none of them have a counter to it.
[her tears fall, and she can't help but feel utterly pathetic, powerless. all she can do is cry, and blacken her tongue worse. her soul, pierced by knowingly doing this again and again.]
Besides, don't they hate him enough? Don't they scorn him enough? They have so many reasons, and there's so much bitterness. Why should I be the cause of more? Why should I cause more of it to fall on him? I can't do that...I can't!
[and this is the nature of Helena Adams's care - that it extends to all, even those some would call undeserving. if her life could harm no one, then she'd be happy - if she could be the cause of something better.]
[ dito certainly is strong, but he's smart too. from what midori has calculated, it's easy to temper dito's bloodlust, and as long as someone gives him direction then he's able to work with the general public. his actions are irredeemable, but that doesn't mean they can't be used by someone else, and this is why midori has taken an interest in him. a feral dog, a wild bear, the hidden trap within the forest where metal teeth clamp and sink into the skin, tearing the flesh no matter how much you move. there's many uses for someone like dito.
it makes midori happy to know how much of a threat the other poses to the people here. ]
You want to protect him from their hate, even though he isn't one to care for compassion. They would be nuisances to him, but... I'm unsure if he'd tell you "thank you".
[ he'd have no reason, but he did manage to muster one to maple when she got them all off his case, so perhaps something like that. in the end, it wouldn't be as heartfelt as helena's sacrifice. ]
But it makes you feel better knowing that you can save someone, or anyone, doesn't it? Having worth, and knowing you aren't just dead weight...
[ how selfish, miss helena. ]
Isn't that wonderful... there's no need to shed tears over such a helpful lie.
[she shakes her head, and takes a shaky breath, trying to get control of herself.]
Nor does his thanks. I just...don't want to be the cause of anyone dying. I don't want someone to think they have to do anything. Because I know them, I know they'll be unable to let it go.
[like Subaru, throwing himself across the room to fight for Nagito's sake, even though Nagito didn't ask him to do that. like how she herself engaged in pettier things to get even. it's a human desire to balance the scales, to not let things go when it affects someone you care for. and Helena values their care, adores it, treasures them - but it cannot become a tool to lead them into pain and to lead them astray.]
I just want them to keep living. But lying to them for it...I hate having to do it at all.
[ the one's that she protects because she finds herself akin to a coin easily tossed away, and can be picked up by another who needs her. she doesn't mind how much she gives of her body as long as they're kept safe, even at the cost of herself. he sighs with a smile, one that thinks of how much chaos this will cause due to her lies, but it's as long as she remains unnoticed. if her lie doesn't falter, then everything she's done won't break apart. ]
Once they find out the truth, what will you do then? ...It'll be out of your hands, or can you stop them in time?
[ he does sound curious, it's all like a domino... and if one piece is removed, then it'll all fall apart. ]
When they find out...they'll be angry with me for lying. They may hate me. But in that state...they won't seek revenge.
[it's simple, as she's outlined it. she lies, and when it falls apart, it's going to protect them still.]
You don't go searching for revenge for someone who hurt you, who lied to you. Who you don't want to be friends with anymore, because of their wickedness. And this, I'm sure...I don't expect to be forgiven for it. So they'll be safe, even if that means they'll leave.
[even if she has to be alone in her school life. even if it means she has to leave them all and stay quiet. their blood won't be her fault, and they will be able to keep pushing towards their truth, their hope. it has to be enough. even her closest friends...she loves them, but she doesn't expect them to accept any apology for it.]
Do you understand now, doctor? What it is that I've done.
[ these fools aren't dumb enough to throw her away so easily, that is disappointing though. they'll keep her at arm's length, but they will never truly leave her side. staring at this bunch, and while they're so used to jumping at each other's throats; if they feel like they have an advantage with her, they'll let her stay, or those who believe helena could do no wrong.
there's only a select few who would try and fight who hurt her, that the person who caused her pain to lie is the one at fault. ]
They'll accept you back far too easy.
[ one hand lifts up to place against her back, slowly he rubs up to her shoulder as he sits beside her. he needs to ensure that she doesn't rip at stitches, or cause pain to herself, but he has to work with her mentally too. ]
If you wish to protect them, you have to expose more of your odious nature so they feel the need not to fight in your stead, you see... You're a sweet girl, but this might not be enough... I'll always be here with you, I've been here from the very start of your wickedness and I'll see it through to the very end, even after.
[at the touch, he probably could expect her reaction. turning a little more towards him, looking for a comforting presence. for consolation, for security. she needs him here, and Helena is glad that he's one of the few people in this school she couldn't possibly lie to - she used to think that number was greater, but now, she doesn't know.]
I don't think I can bear being odious to them....to anyone. My heart already wants to shatter as it is.
[to perform a greater lie requires more strength than she has.]
It's frightening, but remember who you're doing this for.
[ his hand remains where it is to offer comfort, to learn closer so that she can hear his voice— it's soft and inviting, a doctor who can perform miracles had saved her body, and with her will, she's here today. his body leans towards her so that she can feel that he's there, but he doesn't add weight, no, he only allows a brief touch, and if she wishes she can lean against him. ]
You want to protect everyone, Miss Helena, at the expense of yourself. As difficult as it is, acting in such a nature will only cause them to despise you more, and give no reason to protect you... then you can succeed in what you wish to do. It's only for awhile, until you're sure that they won't harm themselves for you.
[ his other hand lifts, brushing back brown locks behind her ear. ]
I know the truth, so I'll always be there when you feel as though you can't hold up that mask. You can lean against me, place all your weight... and I'll hold you up.
[she crumples, letting herself collapse against Midori, tears coming back to her eyes. she shakes with them, but they're silent now, her hands coming to cover her face. she hates it, hates it - the pain of hurting them to save them. if she could just easily be hated, that would be better. then she could taken time, rebuild what was destroyed. but it...
it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
[ they're harsh words, they're violent, but they're the golden color of truth — a vibrant red that replaces the blood that could spread if she uses them correctly. her words can cause harm, but there are some here who won't budge, and all her efforts will collapse. ]
Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
[please don't leave me, she wants to say, even though he's already promised not to. because standing alone in hell, you die. it's cold and it's your time slipping through your hands. one hand drops, finds his shirt, grasps it, and written across her now exposed features is everything she's feeling.]
How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
He is not as different as you believe him to be, Miss Helena.
[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
Oh, but you are... to stop both the scorn and hate towards him means that you must protect him.
[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?
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4/18
her body in new and strange configurations. but she's alive - alive, her heartbeat says, even as it hurts to breathe.
she can't help the soft sound she makes, trying to move - her limbs are heavy, and they hurt - it smells clean in here, and she's trying to place it even as her head is foggy. so strongly, she recalls not wanting to die, and here she is. but how? she should have bled out on the ground, should have been left as a corpse for someone to find, no matter how hard she had tried to think of the way back, some miracle that would have brought her body back to them. who...how, she has to think.]
no subject
by her is a tray if she decides to move her arms, and on that tray is an empty bottle, a few cotton balls, alcohol wipes, and last would be the sharp end of a scalpel. if she's not careful, she'll find up hurting herself if she does attempt to investigate.
aside from that, she'll hear the slow breathing of someone close by, a steady inhale and exhale as if the person has fell asleep watching over her petite frame. hands together in prayer, over his chest, midori rests with eyes closed like he's part of the deceased; sadly helena is unable to see that, but she should be able to tell the different from breathing-awake to breathing-asleep.
besides, wouldn't they have said something if they knew she was shifting in bed? ]
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Where...
[her voice is soft, her throat hurts, but the words come out still.]
Please...where am I?
[please wake up. hear her, or she'll be forced to try and knock the tray over to make a noise. help her, because to not know where she is or who is near, that much scares her.]
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Shhh... shh...
[ he's not asleep, but he breathes like he does, and his eyes won't even open. the breathing is replaced with words, and she can get her answer. it's a familiar voice that's a little ways from her, but close enough. ]
Where are you? [ midori repeats, letting her know that he's heard. ] You're safe... no one can hurt you while you're here.
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Really?
[please. all she wants right now is to be warm and calm, if she can't be held - but anyone holding her would simply make it all hurt worse. she can feel some of the injuries - where she's been sewn up, where bandages try to be softer - and she has to try and breathe.]
It hurts so much, though...
[she hates how pathetic she sounds. but right now, there is no way to be mature, to be collected and dignified. she would cry, if it wouldn't be agonizing.]
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[ a place where no wrong is done, where all illnesses and aches are not meant to hurt, but to heal. she doesn't understand that properly, as to why her body hurts all over, and he draws silence between them once more so that it screams loud in her ears, how tranquil everything is at this moment, but she'll hear the faintest drips of an iv bag next to her— drip, drip, drip — the sound stretched out until the liquid settles. ]
That is healing, if you think of it as anything other than such... your mind will ensure that it feels worse.
[ how the thoughts of masochists work when they can turn pain into pleasure, but this time she can know pain can become the salve, a bandage, and that her wounds are closing, growing, and breathing new scabs over to heal. she's still a child, but she's still human, and so this sensation would feel terrible, make her feel tired, and even worse like she has nowhere to go. she's cornered into this room in a position that will most likely be what she's stuck in.
well, if she thinks of it as a cocoon that she will soon break free from, it doesn't sound so bad. ]
What did you see before waking up?
[ her life flash before her eyes? brown hair? gold eyes? a stained ceiling of brown dust and various dots? a dream? technically, she can't see, but what did her brain imagine at that moment, or in her subconscious. whites, blacks, grays, outlines? ]
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Light, then dark...so much so. Like falling.
[like the weightlessness of herself falling from a cliff, although it's not icy water that greeted her on the other side. she stops trying to move, the ache and exhaustion too much to do so, when she'd rather save her energy for talking instead.]
Have to...tell them...
[her friends. they need to know she's alive. the agitation is only going to grow if they can't know, she knows they'll be worried, looking]
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[ her limbs crushes, bone broken, but as for her spirit... he noticed that cane protected in her grasp, something she held onto and would not let go. that leg had remained holding her up mentally and spiritually even though her body was trampled all over by repulsive desires and the like of dito. he's someone who plays with his toys, holds a doll between his teeth and shakes his head left and right until all the stuffing starts to bubble through the strips, and fall onto the floor beside him. ]
You're very lucky to have made it.
[ lucky, or blessed that midori exists to save her the moment that he did. there's a pause as he listens, knowing that she wants to let her whereabouts be known. he thinks about it, his eyes glance to his pda sitting on the window sill, until his eyes fall back onto her instead. ]
...In this condition? That would be no good, it'd make them worry, and would you truly want them to see you like this? It's not a good sight, Miss Helena...
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[they'll think she's dead. even as she doesn't want them to worry, to see her looking pathetic. Helena has to look put together, has to be strong for them. they need her to be okay. if she vanishes for days, won't they be sick?
has it been days?
time is so fuzzy.]
...I've...already been to hell.
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they were all part of that game, floormasters too.
but midori embraced hell by his own rules, and if there was a throne, then he would push who was off just to survive. ]
This compared to what you already been through is nothing then... what sort of hell had trapped you, Miss Helena.
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[no matter how far she ran. no matter how much she decoded, how many times she left the gate. it was the same, the same, the same - the same game, the same terrors that never dulled. on and on and on. death and running. death, and fear. pain and hopelessness, a desolate place where nothing could grow except sorrow.]
Nowhere is safe. Nowhere at all.
[she's distressed, her tone says, but still disoriented. uncertain what or how to feel.]
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[ he reaches out to grab her hand, warm hands the one gently, and his thumb brushes the top of her slowly, reassuring. that's how he reaches them, how he bonds through comforting touches so that she knows there's someone by her side. an ally. ]
It's safe here, if anything comes... it has to go through me. As long as you hear the sound of my voice, nothing else will harm you.
[ his eyes widen, glow for a moment before dimming down to their regular shade. he's the monster that must be defeated for anyone to enter his sanctuary, and this place isn't a location that many wish to tread. they're afraid, scared that midori might do something unforgiving — there's some people who don't want to know what he's capable of. his control over so many people is a strong one, he has the foundation to keep dito in line, he doesn't like when others completely break his toys, and so he has to act in order to keep them in tip-top shape, the same with helena.
midori caresses her hand down to the tips of her fingers, oh, he loves the human body and their will. humans are just so interesting...
she may not be able to take the gesture in full with the wrapping around a few of her fingers, but at least the pain is numbed that she doesn't know the other hand has a few broken bones. ]
You can trust me, I'm by your side, after all.
[ as a comfort, as a friend, and a doctor. ] I would have fought in that hell with you.
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it's safe. someone's looking out for her. someone's protecting her, and as much as she doesn't want to be coddled, treated too gently, thought of as pathetic...right now, she needs that protection. her gratitude for it can't be spoken.
it's not that she's worried he'll come back and finish the job - he somehow never did, he never finished the process, as if destiny said that he'd never truly cut her throat. it's the idea of someone else. something else slipping in, even though it was clear through every heartbeat, every moment, that she wanted to live. that she refused to simply die. she has to keep living, for its own sake. because there are people she loves with all her heart, that she needs to reach out to again. because there are things Helena needs to witness the end of.
Helena's breathing eases, and she understands, that right now, this place is a sanctuary. all she has to do is heal. all she has to do is go back to sleep. her fingers twitch, so loosely trying to hold onto his.]
You're too kind, doctor.
[the drugs blur her focus enough that she has no choice but to trust him.]
I'm so glad you were never there...that you were free.
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as long as there's this bond, the one created in her mind as the drugs work on her emotions and though process, then he's able to find a way in. she's invited him, no less, by wishing the best for him, and with a shake of his head. ]
That's no good, Miss Helena. As your ally, I would have wanted to be there... so much can be done when one person isn't alone.
[ his fingers brush gently against the skin as he leans forward, and she can hear his chair creak along with his voice growing. ]
Just like this time... because I was there with you at that final moment, together, we made a difference. That Hell you once lived in, that could have been different too...
[ he sighs, trying to keep a gentle smile on his face. ] I hope you understand, Miss Helena, I wouldn't want you to be by yourself.
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[reassured, calmed, brought back to reason from touch and the right words. willing to accept what must be done to heal. if her state is truly so terrible...then how could she be awake enough to explain it to her friends? to create a good cover story that they'll accept. oh, she's tired again, and if she doesn't move, it won't hurt.]
Thank you...thank you so much.
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[ thanking him is what he deserves, and the fact that she relies on him even now works in his favor as he keeps his hold onto her hand. ]
...As your nurse, I'll be tending to all your needs. For now, you have to think about what to do after this.
[ she can think, accept her responsibility, and the pain she's going to offer to others once they figure out where she is. she has so much time to think about that while she rests here in his sanctuary. ]
Even if the whole world loathes you, I'll still care, so please don't think of yourself as ever truly alone.
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[with the panic subsided, and the pain medication allowed to take hold, healing is an exhausting process. it was always fixed so quickly, she had forgotten how tedious it could be. the movements quelled, so the pain allowed to die down, at least dulled enough to sleep with. warmth, reassurance. no heavy hands on her shoulders, but holding hers, so that she might know where they stand. protected, not in some glass cage, but more like a cocoon, allowed to mend.
it's definitely the drugs, but she feels safe in a way that she usually felt when she was falling asleep next to Subaru.]
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[ as a doctor, and one with a helping hand. as the creature that lurks in the night, and someone who can mend every problem that she's having at the moment— he is a savior, but he is also the common man. he can be whatever she needs at the moment while she rests, and he reminds her before she dozes that he will always be by her side. for better or for worse. ]
Not one dream will plague you while you're here.
[ his other hand lifts, touching helena's forehead lightly to brush away strands of hair. ]
A peaceful night with just us two.
4/24
the lie should blacken her tongue, rot her soul. the lie should be obvious, and they should press her until her blood leaks from her veins, until her bones crush. guilt claws at her throat, sears her inside. until it's too much to bear, away from them.
even though it makes her injuries hurt, her chest full of pain, she has to weep. for them, who don't know she's lying. for herself, for being such a wicked person.]
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[ he enters not too long after they've all left, almost right on time as if he's known they've been gone for awhile. he can tell when a patient is wounded in the heart because she bears no fresh wounds that force her body to react in such a way, and so it must have been what was said in the conversation. a cut in the heart... those are just as deadly without using a scalpel, and instead using sharp words.
...
it must be because she's never led them astray, but her words were nothing more than lies, and he even thought how their conversation went was the female praying for them to trust her. she used their trust, dirtied her words and hands in order for them not to confront who had put her in this position. ]
Shhh, shhh... I'm here. I'm sorry for taking too long.
[ he reaches for her hands, and there's a handkerchief placed against her palm for the female to take. ]
What happened?
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They believed me...they believed me, and I can't bear it. I'm so wicked, doctor...
[if a hand is still near hers, she's taking it.]
Oh, I can't stand lying to them like this...Subaru and Natsume and all the rest.
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[ he would know, those are generally the people that keep his interest. those that can lie and play with the heartstrings of another person, the way her fingers dance along each one with steady thrum of her fingertips. though, she used her voice to do so, and they listened to the siren's song, compelled and satisfied. ]
Using that appeal is how you can protect yourself and others.
[ fool those whose hearts are weak... subaru, natsume, alice, and even shin, ahaha... ]
What do you think would happen if you were honest?
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[her tears fall, and she can't help but feel utterly pathetic, powerless. all she can do is cry, and blacken her tongue worse. her soul, pierced by knowingly doing this again and again.]
Besides, don't they hate him enough? Don't they scorn him enough? They have so many reasons, and there's so much bitterness. Why should I be the cause of more? Why should I cause more of it to fall on him? I can't do that...I can't!
[and this is the nature of Helena Adams's care - that it extends to all, even those some would call undeserving. if her life could harm no one, then she'd be happy - if she could be the cause of something better.]
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it makes midori happy to know how much of a threat the other poses to the people here. ]
You want to protect him from their hate, even though he isn't one to care for compassion. They would be nuisances to him, but... I'm unsure if he'd tell you "thank you".
[ he'd have no reason, but he did manage to muster one to maple when she got them all off his case, so perhaps something like that. in the end, it wouldn't be as heartfelt as helena's sacrifice. ]
But it makes you feel better knowing that you can save someone, or anyone, doesn't it? Having worth, and knowing you aren't just dead weight...
[ how selfish, miss helena. ]
Isn't that wonderful... there's no need to shed tears over such a helpful lie.
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[she shakes her head, and takes a shaky breath, trying to get control of herself.]
Nor does his thanks. I just...don't want to be the cause of anyone dying. I don't want someone to think they have to do anything. Because I know them, I know they'll be unable to let it go.
[like Subaru, throwing himself across the room to fight for Nagito's sake, even though Nagito didn't ask him to do that. like how she herself engaged in pettier things to get even. it's a human desire to balance the scales, to not let things go when it affects someone you care for. and Helena values their care, adores it, treasures them - but it cannot become a tool to lead them into pain and to lead them astray.]
I just want them to keep living. But lying to them for it...I hate having to do it at all.
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[ the one's that she protects because she finds herself akin to a coin easily tossed away, and can be picked up by another who needs her. she doesn't mind how much she gives of her body as long as they're kept safe, even at the cost of herself. he sighs with a smile, one that thinks of how much chaos this will cause due to her lies, but it's as long as she remains unnoticed. if her lie doesn't falter, then everything she's done won't break apart. ]
Once they find out the truth, what will you do then? ...It'll be out of your hands, or can you stop them in time?
[ he does sound curious, it's all like a domino... and if one piece is removed, then it'll all fall apart. ]
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[it's simple, as she's outlined it. she lies, and when it falls apart, it's going to protect them still.]
You don't go searching for revenge for someone who hurt you, who lied to you. Who you don't want to be friends with anymore, because of their wickedness. And this, I'm sure...I don't expect to be forgiven for it. So they'll be safe, even if that means they'll leave.
[even if she has to be alone in her school life. even if it means she has to leave them all and stay quiet. their blood won't be her fault, and they will be able to keep pushing towards their truth, their hope. it has to be enough. even her closest friends...she loves them, but she doesn't expect them to accept any apology for it.]
Do you understand now, doctor? What it is that I've done.
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[ these fools aren't dumb enough to throw her away so easily, that is disappointing though. they'll keep her at arm's length, but they will never truly leave her side. staring at this bunch, and while they're so used to jumping at each other's throats; if they feel like they have an advantage with her, they'll let her stay, or those who believe helena could do no wrong.
there's only a select few who would try and fight who hurt her, that the person who caused her pain to lie is the one at fault. ]
They'll accept you back far too easy.
[ one hand lifts up to place against her back, slowly he rubs up to her shoulder as he sits beside her. he needs to ensure that she doesn't rip at stitches, or cause pain to herself, but he has to work with her mentally too. ]
If you wish to protect them, you have to expose more of your odious nature so they feel the need not to fight in your stead, you see... You're a sweet girl, but this might not be enough... I'll always be here with you, I've been here from the very start of your wickedness and I'll see it through to the very end, even after.
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I don't think I can bear being odious to them....to anyone. My heart already wants to shatter as it is.
[to perform a greater lie requires more strength than she has.]
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[ his hand remains where it is to offer comfort, to learn closer so that she can hear his voice— it's soft and inviting, a doctor who can perform miracles had saved her body, and with her will, she's here today. his body leans towards her so that she can feel that he's there, but he doesn't add weight, no, he only allows a brief touch, and if she wishes she can lean against him. ]
You want to protect everyone, Miss Helena, at the expense of yourself. As difficult as it is, acting in such a nature will only cause them to despise you more, and give no reason to protect you... then you can succeed in what you wish to do. It's only for awhile, until you're sure that they won't harm themselves for you.
[ his other hand lifts, brushing back brown locks behind her ear. ]
I know the truth, so I'll always be there when you feel as though you can't hold up that mask. You can lean against me, place all your weight... and I'll hold you up.
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it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
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Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
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How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
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[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
Do you understand?
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[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
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[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
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[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
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[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?