[He's no expert at the way Helena (and apparently Sportacus?) can listen through people's hands for lies, glean truths from them, beyond whatever she's told him so far. He can't read her well that way. But... he doesn't need to here. She's practically screaming it.]
...
[This is so so far above anything he knows how to handle, any response that comes to mind, which none do.]
...Can't say I'm happy. Knowing you're this unhappy, underneath all that... But... Is it bad I'm a little relieved?
[That she's human, too. It's painful... he'd been starting to believe that too again, hadn't he? Smart, calm, sensible Helena... despite better judgement.]
I've... only known one person who was that perfect... and even he was selfish.
[It's hard, even with the gold flaked off, and the silver tarnish crept across, and the brass cracked and verdigrised, to really get rid of his idolization of the man completely, at the very least in terms of enviable skill, knowledge and composure, which dropped so very few and terrifying times. He should get his mind off this topic. It's the wrong comparison, anyway. Because what it really comes down to is:]
That's...
[Wanting the people you like to like you. Not wanting to let them down. Wanting to be a person worthy of them... the best person you can be. Feeling like you're not, but if you pretend hard enough... It's painful, in it's familiarity. It's loyalty, in the end.
[even if they weren't hers to start with, they were hers now, suspended in amber, inescapable. it leaves her here, unable to find the way to express herself properly either way. couldn't explode like someone less aware. couldn't contain it all like someone better composed. she's stuck, and it's a painful place to be.
she just wants to have an answer. to not be at risk of collapse. to be good. and what that means, the definition changes from day to day. it's hard to keep up, when you just wish you could put your fist through glass.]
[It matters! It very much matters! Of course it matters! Some part of him is yelling, even as the rest of him is catching it by the arm.]
Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
[she takes a deep breath, but then just holds his hand a little tighter. she could talk, defend it, explain where it came from - even the kindest people wanted it to be so, were happier like that.
how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
[That's the thing... if this is already skirting the edge... then telling her what to do, what to think... that's the one thing he can't do. That would be too far. His comfort, his opinion, he can give... but the idea itself of being a whisper in her ear feels like tar in his mouth, because it wouldn't even matter that he doesn't know the right thing to say, it's in the act itself. He... doesn't want to try be that, anymore. He never wanted to, really, and he doesn't need to be to survive, here and with her.
All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
[it's a question no one has asked her, and she's desperate for it, because asking means there's permission. she can say what she wants - because someone is requesting this information. she doesn't have to merely take what's been handed, swallow it down endlessly, sick of the bitterness.
but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
Ahaha... that's funny... because I was gonna do that anyway.
[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
...
[This is so so far above anything he knows how to handle, any response that comes to mind, which none do.]
...Can't say I'm happy. Knowing you're this unhappy, underneath all that... But... Is it bad I'm a little relieved?
[That she's human, too. It's painful... he'd been starting to believe that too again, hadn't he? Smart, calm, sensible Helena... despite better judgement.]
I've... only known one person who was that perfect... and even he was selfish.
[It's hard, even with the gold flaked off, and the silver tarnish crept across, and the brass cracked and verdigrised, to really get rid of his idolization of the man completely, at the very least in terms of enviable skill, knowledge and composure, which dropped so very few and terrifying times. He should get his mind off this topic. It's the wrong comparison, anyway. Because what it really comes down to is:]
That's...
[Wanting the people you like to like you. Not wanting to let them down. Wanting to be a person worthy of them... the best person you can be. Feeling like you're not, but if you pretend hard enough... It's painful, in it's familiarity. It's loyalty, in the end.
And the ways it can be used.]
Ahaha... are those your words or someone else's?
no subject
[even if they weren't hers to start with, they were hers now, suspended in amber, inescapable. it leaves her here, unable to find the way to express herself properly either way. couldn't explode like someone less aware. couldn't contain it all like someone better composed. she's stuck, and it's a painful place to be.
she just wants to have an answer. to not be at risk of collapse. to be good. and what that means, the definition changes from day to day. it's hard to keep up, when you just wish you could put your fist through glass.]
no subject
Guess it doesn't...
[When something sticks to you, becomes part of you... it's still there, no matter where it came from. Realizing it's origin... doesn't make it instantly vanish into mist.]
But... throwing yourself away for everyone's [someone's] sake... that's how you end up with nothing left of you.
[Self-sacrifice... the novels and shows always make it out to be some glorious thing, where everyone feels sad but then everything is also solved so it balances out. Shin's come to hate it.]
Ahaha, worse even... people'll expect those pieces. Might even just take them, or get angry when you don't have them... right?
[Self-control as a defense, for the sake of the self... but this seems to go layers deeper than that. Shin's peering into murky waters, and making out the fuzzy shadow of an eel.]
no subject
how it really does feel like discarding parts of herself - cutting away what doesn't fit the mold, and letting it writhe on the ground.
I don't know what to do. don't make her say it, even as everything in her body screams it aloud for him to hear, to know. she's still human, and so she's cracking.]
no subject
All he can do, is cling on tightly in return, as much as he's able. Because he knows what it's like to have that urge to grasp desperately for something, to take it away, to give an answer, to make things feel safe and sane again. He's caught in a place where he doesn't know what's crueler.
It smacks him on the back of the head like a brick, that he could just... ask.]
What... do you want?
[Something quiet. What does she want to do, right now. Her heart's crying out...]
no subject
but still. what she wants feels like a world away, feels like a child's wish. feels like the most selfish thing in the world to ask for, when she knows why it can't be. she can imagine herself asking, promise you won't get upset, but then how much it would burn to hear no, because he knows she would never force him into that position.]
...for you to stay. Just for a little while.
[that will be enough. it's not the embrace she longs for, but it's a presence, and it has to be enough. if she holds on, then it will be enough - because she'll say it over and over in her head until it's real.]
no subject
[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about it, wick away some of the tension he can feel clinging like heavy air. He's still holding her hand... he's not going anywhere anytime soon.]
Ah, well... I might need to close up the shop later. [He can take a shift off if he needs to because it's just him and Komaeda, but he has to actually put the sign up and set the doorknob and everything.] ...But I've got some time.
[Here and now, they have this.]