[ he enters not too long after they've all left, almost right on time as if he's known they've been gone for awhile. he can tell when a patient is wounded in the heart because she bears no fresh wounds that force her body to react in such a way, and so it must have been what was said in the conversation. a cut in the heart... those are just as deadly without using a scalpel, and instead using sharp words.
...
it must be because she's never led them astray, but her words were nothing more than lies, and he even thought how their conversation went was the female praying for them to trust her. she used their trust, dirtied her words and hands in order for them not to confront who had put her in this position. ]
Shhh, shhh... I'm here. I'm sorry for taking too long.
[ he reaches for her hands, and there's a handkerchief placed against her palm for the female to take. ]
[the doctor knows, and so she can be honest with him. the handkerchief is gripped before she brings it up to wipe her eyes, though her tears won't stop. they flow, free and honest, from where they were last night. she had tried so hard to be brave - to lie correctly, and she did, and it's the ugliest feeling in the world.]
They believed me...they believed me, and I can't bear it. I'm so wicked, doctor...
[if a hand is still near hers, she's taking it.]
Oh, I can't stand lying to them like this...Subaru and Natsume and all the rest.
[ he would know, those are generally the people that keep his interest. those that can lie and play with the heartstrings of another person, the way her fingers dance along each one with steady thrum of her fingertips. though, she used her voice to do so, and they listened to the siren's song, compelled and satisfied. ]
Using that appeal is how you can protect yourself and others.
[ fool those whose hearts are weak... subaru, natsume, alice, and even shin, ahaha... ]
What do you think would happen if you were honest?
They'd go after him. They'd try to extract revenge, but he'd just end up killing them...or at least leaving them similar to me. He's so strong, and none of them have a counter to it.
[her tears fall, and she can't help but feel utterly pathetic, powerless. all she can do is cry, and blacken her tongue worse. her soul, pierced by knowingly doing this again and again.]
Besides, don't they hate him enough? Don't they scorn him enough? They have so many reasons, and there's so much bitterness. Why should I be the cause of more? Why should I cause more of it to fall on him? I can't do that...I can't!
[and this is the nature of Helena Adams's care - that it extends to all, even those some would call undeserving. if her life could harm no one, then she'd be happy - if she could be the cause of something better.]
[ dito certainly is strong, but he's smart too. from what midori has calculated, it's easy to temper dito's bloodlust, and as long as someone gives him direction then he's able to work with the general public. his actions are irredeemable, but that doesn't mean they can't be used by someone else, and this is why midori has taken an interest in him. a feral dog, a wild bear, the hidden trap within the forest where metal teeth clamp and sink into the skin, tearing the flesh no matter how much you move. there's many uses for someone like dito.
it makes midori happy to know how much of a threat the other poses to the people here. ]
You want to protect him from their hate, even though he isn't one to care for compassion. They would be nuisances to him, but... I'm unsure if he'd tell you "thank you".
[ he'd have no reason, but he did manage to muster one to maple when she got them all off his case, so perhaps something like that. in the end, it wouldn't be as heartfelt as helena's sacrifice. ]
But it makes you feel better knowing that you can save someone, or anyone, doesn't it? Having worth, and knowing you aren't just dead weight...
[ how selfish, miss helena. ]
Isn't that wonderful... there's no need to shed tears over such a helpful lie.
[she shakes her head, and takes a shaky breath, trying to get control of herself.]
Nor does his thanks. I just...don't want to be the cause of anyone dying. I don't want someone to think they have to do anything. Because I know them, I know they'll be unable to let it go.
[like Subaru, throwing himself across the room to fight for Nagito's sake, even though Nagito didn't ask him to do that. like how she herself engaged in pettier things to get even. it's a human desire to balance the scales, to not let things go when it affects someone you care for. and Helena values their care, adores it, treasures them - but it cannot become a tool to lead them into pain and to lead them astray.]
I just want them to keep living. But lying to them for it...I hate having to do it at all.
[ the one's that she protects because she finds herself akin to a coin easily tossed away, and can be picked up by another who needs her. she doesn't mind how much she gives of her body as long as they're kept safe, even at the cost of herself. he sighs with a smile, one that thinks of how much chaos this will cause due to her lies, but it's as long as she remains unnoticed. if her lie doesn't falter, then everything she's done won't break apart. ]
Once they find out the truth, what will you do then? ...It'll be out of your hands, or can you stop them in time?
[ he does sound curious, it's all like a domino... and if one piece is removed, then it'll all fall apart. ]
When they find out...they'll be angry with me for lying. They may hate me. But in that state...they won't seek revenge.
[it's simple, as she's outlined it. she lies, and when it falls apart, it's going to protect them still.]
You don't go searching for revenge for someone who hurt you, who lied to you. Who you don't want to be friends with anymore, because of their wickedness. And this, I'm sure...I don't expect to be forgiven for it. So they'll be safe, even if that means they'll leave.
[even if she has to be alone in her school life. even if it means she has to leave them all and stay quiet. their blood won't be her fault, and they will be able to keep pushing towards their truth, their hope. it has to be enough. even her closest friends...she loves them, but she doesn't expect them to accept any apology for it.]
Do you understand now, doctor? What it is that I've done.
[ these fools aren't dumb enough to throw her away so easily, that is disappointing though. they'll keep her at arm's length, but they will never truly leave her side. staring at this bunch, and while they're so used to jumping at each other's throats; if they feel like they have an advantage with her, they'll let her stay, or those who believe helena could do no wrong.
there's only a select few who would try and fight who hurt her, that the person who caused her pain to lie is the one at fault. ]
They'll accept you back far too easy.
[ one hand lifts up to place against her back, slowly he rubs up to her shoulder as he sits beside her. he needs to ensure that she doesn't rip at stitches, or cause pain to herself, but he has to work with her mentally too. ]
If you wish to protect them, you have to expose more of your odious nature so they feel the need not to fight in your stead, you see... You're a sweet girl, but this might not be enough... I'll always be here with you, I've been here from the very start of your wickedness and I'll see it through to the very end, even after.
[at the touch, he probably could expect her reaction. turning a little more towards him, looking for a comforting presence. for consolation, for security. she needs him here, and Helena is glad that he's one of the few people in this school she couldn't possibly lie to - she used to think that number was greater, but now, she doesn't know.]
I don't think I can bear being odious to them....to anyone. My heart already wants to shatter as it is.
[to perform a greater lie requires more strength than she has.]
It's frightening, but remember who you're doing this for.
[ his hand remains where it is to offer comfort, to learn closer so that she can hear his voice— it's soft and inviting, a doctor who can perform miracles had saved her body, and with her will, she's here today. his body leans towards her so that she can feel that he's there, but he doesn't add weight, no, he only allows a brief touch, and if she wishes she can lean against him. ]
You want to protect everyone, Miss Helena, at the expense of yourself. As difficult as it is, acting in such a nature will only cause them to despise you more, and give no reason to protect you... then you can succeed in what you wish to do. It's only for awhile, until you're sure that they won't harm themselves for you.
[ his other hand lifts, brushing back brown locks behind her ear. ]
I know the truth, so I'll always be there when you feel as though you can't hold up that mask. You can lean against me, place all your weight... and I'll hold you up.
[she crumples, letting herself collapse against Midori, tears coming back to her eyes. she shakes with them, but they're silent now, her hands coming to cover her face. she hates it, hates it - the pain of hurting them to save them. if she could just easily be hated, that would be better. then she could taken time, rebuild what was destroyed. but it...
it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
[ they're harsh words, they're violent, but they're the golden color of truth — a vibrant red that replaces the blood that could spread if she uses them correctly. her words can cause harm, but there are some here who won't budge, and all her efforts will collapse. ]
Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
[please don't leave me, she wants to say, even though he's already promised not to. because standing alone in hell, you die. it's cold and it's your time slipping through your hands. one hand drops, finds his shirt, grasps it, and written across her now exposed features is everything she's feeling.]
How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
He is not as different as you believe him to be, Miss Helena.
[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
Oh, but you are... to stop both the scorn and hate towards him means that you must protect him.
[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?
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no subject
[ he enters not too long after they've all left, almost right on time as if he's known they've been gone for awhile. he can tell when a patient is wounded in the heart because she bears no fresh wounds that force her body to react in such a way, and so it must have been what was said in the conversation. a cut in the heart... those are just as deadly without using a scalpel, and instead using sharp words.
...
it must be because she's never led them astray, but her words were nothing more than lies, and he even thought how their conversation went was the female praying for them to trust her. she used their trust, dirtied her words and hands in order for them not to confront who had put her in this position. ]
Shhh, shhh... I'm here. I'm sorry for taking too long.
[ he reaches for her hands, and there's a handkerchief placed against her palm for the female to take. ]
What happened?
no subject
They believed me...they believed me, and I can't bear it. I'm so wicked, doctor...
[if a hand is still near hers, she's taking it.]
Oh, I can't stand lying to them like this...Subaru and Natsume and all the rest.
no subject
[ he would know, those are generally the people that keep his interest. those that can lie and play with the heartstrings of another person, the way her fingers dance along each one with steady thrum of her fingertips. though, she used her voice to do so, and they listened to the siren's song, compelled and satisfied. ]
Using that appeal is how you can protect yourself and others.
[ fool those whose hearts are weak... subaru, natsume, alice, and even shin, ahaha... ]
What do you think would happen if you were honest?
no subject
[her tears fall, and she can't help but feel utterly pathetic, powerless. all she can do is cry, and blacken her tongue worse. her soul, pierced by knowingly doing this again and again.]
Besides, don't they hate him enough? Don't they scorn him enough? They have so many reasons, and there's so much bitterness. Why should I be the cause of more? Why should I cause more of it to fall on him? I can't do that...I can't!
[and this is the nature of Helena Adams's care - that it extends to all, even those some would call undeserving. if her life could harm no one, then she'd be happy - if she could be the cause of something better.]
no subject
it makes midori happy to know how much of a threat the other poses to the people here. ]
You want to protect him from their hate, even though he isn't one to care for compassion. They would be nuisances to him, but... I'm unsure if he'd tell you "thank you".
[ he'd have no reason, but he did manage to muster one to maple when she got them all off his case, so perhaps something like that. in the end, it wouldn't be as heartfelt as helena's sacrifice. ]
But it makes you feel better knowing that you can save someone, or anyone, doesn't it? Having worth, and knowing you aren't just dead weight...
[ how selfish, miss helena. ]
Isn't that wonderful... there's no need to shed tears over such a helpful lie.
no subject
[she shakes her head, and takes a shaky breath, trying to get control of herself.]
Nor does his thanks. I just...don't want to be the cause of anyone dying. I don't want someone to think they have to do anything. Because I know them, I know they'll be unable to let it go.
[like Subaru, throwing himself across the room to fight for Nagito's sake, even though Nagito didn't ask him to do that. like how she herself engaged in pettier things to get even. it's a human desire to balance the scales, to not let things go when it affects someone you care for. and Helena values their care, adores it, treasures them - but it cannot become a tool to lead them into pain and to lead them astray.]
I just want them to keep living. But lying to them for it...I hate having to do it at all.
no subject
[ the one's that she protects because she finds herself akin to a coin easily tossed away, and can be picked up by another who needs her. she doesn't mind how much she gives of her body as long as they're kept safe, even at the cost of herself. he sighs with a smile, one that thinks of how much chaos this will cause due to her lies, but it's as long as she remains unnoticed. if her lie doesn't falter, then everything she's done won't break apart. ]
Once they find out the truth, what will you do then? ...It'll be out of your hands, or can you stop them in time?
[ he does sound curious, it's all like a domino... and if one piece is removed, then it'll all fall apart. ]
no subject
[it's simple, as she's outlined it. she lies, and when it falls apart, it's going to protect them still.]
You don't go searching for revenge for someone who hurt you, who lied to you. Who you don't want to be friends with anymore, because of their wickedness. And this, I'm sure...I don't expect to be forgiven for it. So they'll be safe, even if that means they'll leave.
[even if she has to be alone in her school life. even if it means she has to leave them all and stay quiet. their blood won't be her fault, and they will be able to keep pushing towards their truth, their hope. it has to be enough. even her closest friends...she loves them, but she doesn't expect them to accept any apology for it.]
Do you understand now, doctor? What it is that I've done.
no subject
[ these fools aren't dumb enough to throw her away so easily, that is disappointing though. they'll keep her at arm's length, but they will never truly leave her side. staring at this bunch, and while they're so used to jumping at each other's throats; if they feel like they have an advantage with her, they'll let her stay, or those who believe helena could do no wrong.
there's only a select few who would try and fight who hurt her, that the person who caused her pain to lie is the one at fault. ]
They'll accept you back far too easy.
[ one hand lifts up to place against her back, slowly he rubs up to her shoulder as he sits beside her. he needs to ensure that she doesn't rip at stitches, or cause pain to herself, but he has to work with her mentally too. ]
If you wish to protect them, you have to expose more of your odious nature so they feel the need not to fight in your stead, you see... You're a sweet girl, but this might not be enough... I'll always be here with you, I've been here from the very start of your wickedness and I'll see it through to the very end, even after.
no subject
I don't think I can bear being odious to them....to anyone. My heart already wants to shatter as it is.
[to perform a greater lie requires more strength than she has.]
no subject
[ his hand remains where it is to offer comfort, to learn closer so that she can hear his voice— it's soft and inviting, a doctor who can perform miracles had saved her body, and with her will, she's here today. his body leans towards her so that she can feel that he's there, but he doesn't add weight, no, he only allows a brief touch, and if she wishes she can lean against him. ]
You want to protect everyone, Miss Helena, at the expense of yourself. As difficult as it is, acting in such a nature will only cause them to despise you more, and give no reason to protect you... then you can succeed in what you wish to do. It's only for awhile, until you're sure that they won't harm themselves for you.
[ his other hand lifts, brushing back brown locks behind her ear. ]
I know the truth, so I'll always be there when you feel as though you can't hold up that mask. You can lean against me, place all your weight... and I'll hold you up.
no subject
it hurts her, nigh physically. like daggers, like spears. she just needs to heal, to walk again, and then maybe there will be a chance to mend this in the right way.]
no subject
Shh...shhh...
[ the sound leaves between his lips as if he's done this millions and millions of times, but it's special towards the person he uses it on. it's a comfort, a reminder that she doesn't need to cry because what has she done wrong? lying to them, yes, but she says it's to protect those that she care about and to prevent the pain.
she's sacrificing so much for them, but would they understand? ]
It's okay Miss Helena, I told you I'd be with you in hell, and if this happens to be one for you. It's best that we're together, isn't it? [ a silent you have me through the torturous horrors all the way to something happy and magnificent. ]
no subject
How do I be crueler to them?
[faint, a whisper. she cannot fathom how to do it.]
no subject
[ she knows how to be cruel, she's done it by removing his eye which could cause irreparable damage if not for his regenerative abilities. sometimes that skill saves midori from doing so much work.
one hand lifts to settle against the back of a fair and fragile hand, fingers curl around her own, and he brings it down to his heart where she can feel the subtle beating of it— a mechanism, but still his heart, a difference that can't be noticed. ]
The same can be done to them as you inflict your malice. A knife in your palm, your own fingers curled around it, and they would never see the blade pushed into their backs. Now, not physically dear, which you could... all you have to do is take advantage of their weak points.
[ he slowly lets go of her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with a small hushing tone. ]
Do you understand?
no subject
[she says it, and even so, she doesn't resist him. doesn't move away, reject what the doctor says needs to be done. take advantage of their weaknesses. carefully, artfully, put the knife in, so they wouldn't know who did it.
it isn't so unfathomable a concept that she'd recoil, and that frightens her more than anything else. for all she weeps over these lies, over being crueler - it is not impossible, and that is what makes her tremble.]
no subject
[ that's frightening to hear, isn't it? that dito is not unlike those that she wants to protect, the the group that she smiles and laughs with, and the ones that settle in her heart, then flutter into her mind.
he's no different. ]
He's made of flesh just like them, and can bleed like everyone else... you must have felt the blood when you removed his eye, didn't you? That warm substance can leak from everyone else as well.
[ be it friend or foe, lover or acquaintance, in the end is that helena could strike another human body in the same manner and be met with the same, oozing liquid to coat her hands.
this is him reassuring her, actually. ]
You protect them from his bloodlust, and you protect him from their scorn and hate... what's so different? How you demonstrate your care, there's nothing wrong with it! That's why you can be cruel because you care, you can rely on that if it hurts so much...
no subject
[she has to push back against that. she needs to hate or something like it, needs to keep distance between that thought and herself. hadn't he hurt her? hadn't he scared her? he was the reason she was in this predicament, and if he wasn't so strong she'd tell everyone what really happened. no, no, she can't be protecting him. he's strong enough to do it himself.
(and if you are?)]
It's all the rest of them. If you hadn't intervened, Subaru would be dead now, it's that easy, that's what they need to be shielded from. I only struck to save myself, I don't just do that.
no subject
[ he smiles softly, shaking his head. he understands that she's fighting back, that she doesn't want to accept any net positives because of dito. the less there are the better, but because there is something between them that puts helena in this predicament, she has sacrificed her trust in order to keep both parties away from one another. ]
It may be hard to accept, Miss Helena. Even those words are just a comfort you're holding onto, because you did do that. You are capable... there's a wall you're forcing up yourself, but that is something you can tear down.
[ his other hand lifts up to settle upon her head, fingers running through her hair before knuckles brush against her cheek, and then his palm rest against her shoulder. ]
Only Dito and I will know your true nature, and that's why you can use it to your advantage to push distance between those you want to protect. Hurt them enough that they won't get hurt for you...
[ gently, he tries to reassure her. ]
They could hurt Dito, but they'd be in harm's way as you know. [ subaru's an idiot, so midori would agree. ] Isn't it better that you hurt everyone else instead of Dito causing harm to them? There's good intentions behind hurting them if it's you, right, Miss Helena?