"To the best of my knowledge there are two empaths aboard and I'm still maybe like the sixth-best. You're more in danger of being known against your will in a conversation with Peter Smith or Johnny, but an explanation's probably owing, so." Erin, sitting up on the bed, leans forward and props her elbows on her knees. "Here on the ship all sapient beings give off an energy when they feel powerful emotions, a byproduct that is the currency of the world of wonder. My people call it Glamour, and we need it to thrive. Give me food, water, shelter, love, I'll live; deprive me of Glamour, though, and I'll be a shadow of myself, starving with a full belly as the thing in me that is other than human withers. I can't tell, strictly, what you're feeling...but the nature of those feelings colors the Glamour it creates, changes its...flavor, for lack of a better word. Context and experience does the rest."
So when she'd brought up Helena giving her heart away...
Okay. Okay. Erin's not reading her mind, but if the energy has changed due to her recent catastrophic levels of overthinking regarding her own thoughts and feelings, then Helena's still in danger. Thankfully, Johnny didn't know her against her will but by her own admission in conversation, and Mr. Smith doesn't know her well enough to start prying up the floorboards of her consciousness. Being perceived by Ava was bad enough, and that was in the gentlest capacity.
All of this takes place in about two seconds, but Helena breathes, lets it go to be filtered back into the categorized boxes that she keeps all thoughts that need to be dwelled on when she's unable to write.
"All right. I'm not irritated at you. I'll think of it as a sort of advanced intuition and live with it."
"If it helps, you lose nothing. The passions of the world are my sun and I am as the tree before them; hungry, yet harmless."
That metaphor has been one of Cass's great gifts to Erin, and has made her much more comfortable sharing this aspect of her existence in those rare cases where it seems...warranted.
"...As for your question, I'm asking on the reasonable suspicion that you would like to be spending it with someone in particular. You listen to my relationships and their ups and their downs. Can't I return the favor?"
It's impossible to argue with that, and if Erin is not looking, perhaps she'll sense the great frustration that lives within Helena, the push and pull between being known and shutting up tight. She knows it's out of care, genuine friendship. But nervous as she is, as much as she thinks and thinks and sets the gears spinning in a way where they're apt to set off calibrations, it's all very much like what she said about wanting to jump out the window for air.
"...promise you won't laugh."
If Erin laughs at her she's moving out into one of those empty cabins and not coming back for three weeks.
"But...I have two large problems in the way of that concept. One is that I'm not sure they would even like the concept of the day. It's so...specific. And the second is that I've never actually...had to consider it as a specific day before."
She's not ignorant. She heard enough from others, she read enough. For goodness' sake, there were those two that half made a show of it - but then again, they clung to each other so tightly that it was a given. But for herself? She can practically hear her tutor's sweet, well meaning voice, gently coaxing a book from her hands. Come now, Helena. You can improve yourself instead of spending idle time with this. It's a decided no.
Erin listens soberly while the asshole head voice has the grace to feel bad.
Her voice is soft: "You're young yet, lass. Twenty isn't so late as all that to start taking an interest, and God knows no one gets to throw stones about loving how you love. Anyone crass enough to try will need Doctor Watson to extract my foot from out their ass."
If it was just taking an interest alone, that'd be one problem. One she could bury herself in books over, shyly broach the topic with others. That hands her a bundle of nerves that she has to untangle on her own. But the first part is still turning and turning over in her head.
Sitting up, she brings her knees closer, holding herself. When she speaks, it's softer, slowly opening her metaphorical hands to let Erin peer inside.
"It's not that. If it were just me, I'd be fine. It's more...how do I say what I feel in the right way? How do I indicate it without it being misinterpreted, or making things terribly uncomfortable or awkward? I don't want to presume anything, or misstep, and something goes completely awry? I want them to come out of the day still wanting my company, even if that means we just skip it altogether."
Helena hasn't said a name, but Erin is smart. Someone who listens, who was in the room very recently when Helena was recovering from electrocution. Who's definitely noticed that at least once, Helena's phone has murmured that there's a new message, and she chooses to take it out of her roommate's earshot. Little things that add up, because she's not as good at hiding when it comes to situations that aren't life or death.
And even in the midst of her fretting and fears, Helena's heart still squeezes in that particular way, that little jolt in the Glamor that's sincere.
There's a pause, because she heard that too. Knows what Erin is saying in full, without giving her a chance to defend herself. And it's almost for the better, because even as her embarrassment is clear, it means she doesn't have to say it herself.
"...I think they do."
It's more than that. She knows, if what's been said is anything to go by. But to say that much to even Erin feels terribly, terribly vulnerable. Like her heart spilling on the floor, falling out of her hands, and at the same time her wanting to throw her own body in the way as a shield, not for her own sake, but for...
Uncurling herself enough to open her arms is as loud a yes as is needed, only speaking again when she is being hugged.
"It makes me so happy. But it's also so frightening. Which might be stupid, because I've faced down things that want to destroy me again and again and they didn't make me feel like this."
Erin wraps her wings around Helena and holds her close. Her feathers are warm and soft. "It was said that the common man feared Ares, god of war, but the wise trembled in terror at Aphrodite. Love can be like that; glorious and terrible, uplifting and terrifying, unstoppable. But, little bird...they already love you. There's nothing more, or less, you need to do than to be you. Maybe don't make a big deal out of the day itself...but I bet if you ask them to spend it with you, they will."
They had just spoken about that earlier in the day, actually. Which might explain why her feelings are breaking down the door at the moment, because that had been a lot to go through in a short period of time, on the heels of how she feels to have people accept her tokens.
"It's not," Erin agrees. "But to quote a wise man, love is not a noun. It's verb, like struggle. To love is to strive. You don't need to get it perfect. You just need to keep striving."
Another nonverbal sound, but that of assent. It's not like she doesn't know how to struggle, how to strive even when everything feels impossible.
And then, burrowing her face into Erin's clothes, there's a mumbled phrase that really...can't be made out. She feels like a child for it, for not being direct, but this whole allowing herself to be known is stretching muscles in a new and currently painful way. But she should tell her, so Erin can be happy for her the way she's happy for her and all her girlfriends.
"If it helps, lass, Security confessed its feelings about you to me already." A gentle squeeze in the hug. "It's a delight to know y'all make each other happy."
At least like this Erin can't see the expression that makes her pull, the little heart skip beat that she feels to think that Erin knew earlier than this, and then the grateful relief that it wasn't said to her earlier.
She turns her head so her words won't get muffled again.
"...we're going to the carnival."
As in, actually asked and promised to go together. There. You can be happy for her.
"Oooo! Have fun, little bird! You might catch me around engaged in the sacred tradition of winning entirely too many prizes for my girls, imma slap on eyeballs for it." There probably won't be any carnies to astound, which is half the fun, but such is death. "Security likes being high up, if that gives ya any thoughts on activities."
Even if she can't admire the view, the feeling will be nice. It's the exact reason she wants to go on things that are fast, and she already knows she likes roller coasters.
"But I'm sure both of us are going to be experiencing something new. It's never been to one, and my version is surely much less...modern."
But at the same time, she's been holding that message of I'm looking forward to it. in her mind since it was given.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Busteeeeeeeeed.
1/2
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Like. Does she need to feel like her privacy is invaded?
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So when she'd brought up Helena giving her heart away...
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All of this takes place in about two seconds, but Helena breathes, lets it go to be filtered back into the categorized boxes that she keeps all thoughts that need to be dwelled on when she's unable to write.
"All right. I'm not irritated at you. I'll think of it as a sort of advanced intuition and live with it."
That's bearable. That's within her capacity.
"But that doesn't answer my question."
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That metaphor has been one of Cass's great gifts to Erin, and has made her much more comfortable sharing this aspect of her existence in those rare cases where it seems...warranted.
"...As for your question, I'm asking on the reasonable suspicion that you would like to be spending it with someone in particular. You listen to my relationships and their ups and their downs. Can't I return the favor?"
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"...promise you won't laugh."
If Erin laughs at her she's moving out into one of those empty cabins and not coming back for three weeks.
"But...I have two large problems in the way of that concept. One is that I'm not sure they would even like the concept of the day. It's so...specific. And the second is that I've never actually...had to consider it as a specific day before."
She's not ignorant. She heard enough from others, she read enough. For goodness' sake, there were those two that half made a show of it - but then again, they clung to each other so tightly that it was a given. But for herself? She can practically hear her tutor's sweet, well meaning voice, gently coaxing a book from her hands. Come now, Helena. You can improve yourself instead of spending idle time with this. It's a decided no.
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Her voice is soft: "You're young yet, lass. Twenty isn't so late as all that to start taking an interest, and God knows no one gets to throw stones about loving how you love. Anyone crass enough to try will need Doctor Watson to extract my foot from out their ass."
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Sitting up, she brings her knees closer, holding herself. When she speaks, it's softer, slowly opening her metaphorical hands to let Erin peer inside.
"It's not that. If it were just me, I'd be fine. It's more...how do I say what I feel in the right way? How do I indicate it without it being misinterpreted, or making things terribly uncomfortable or awkward? I don't want to presume anything, or misstep, and something goes completely awry? I want them to come out of the day still wanting my company, even if that means we just skip it altogether."
Helena hasn't said a name, but Erin is smart. Someone who listens, who was in the room very recently when Helena was recovering from electrocution. Who's definitely noticed that at least once, Helena's phone has murmured that there's a new message, and she chooses to take it out of her roommate's earshot. Little things that add up, because she's not as good at hiding when it comes to situations that aren't life or death.
And even in the midst of her fretting and fears, Helena's heart still squeezes in that particular way, that little jolt in the Glamor that's sincere.
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She asks, already knowing the answer.
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"...I think they do."
It's more than that. She knows, if what's been said is anything to go by. But to say that much to even Erin feels terribly, terribly vulnerable. Like her heart spilling on the floor, falling out of her hands, and at the same time her wanting to throw her own body in the way as a shield, not for her own sake, but for...
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Erin's wings rustle softly. She stands, crosses the room. The air near Helena is disturbed by a moving wing, sheltering her.
In a soft voice, "Would you like a hug?"
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"It makes me so happy. But it's also so frightening. Which might be stupid, because I've faced down things that want to destroy me again and again and they didn't make me feel like this."
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"...I just want it to feel safe around me."
Quiet, very quiet. If Erin knows, Erin knows.
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It's a gentle question. Erin's going somewhere with this.
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They had just spoken about that earlier in the day, actually. Which might explain why her feelings are breaking down the door at the moment, because that had been a lot to go through in a short period of time, on the heels of how she feels to have people accept her tokens.
"But that's not the same as safe."
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And then, burrowing her face into Erin's clothes, there's a mumbled phrase that really...can't be made out. She feels like a child for it, for not being direct, but this whole allowing herself to be known is stretching muscles in a new and currently painful way. But she should tell her, so Erin can be happy for her the way she's happy for her and all her girlfriends.
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She turns her head so her words won't get muffled again.
"...we're going to the carnival."
As in, actually asked and promised to go together. There. You can be happy for her.
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Even if she can't admire the view, the feeling will be nice. It's the exact reason she wants to go on things that are fast, and she already knows she likes roller coasters.
"But I'm sure both of us are going to be experiencing something new. It's never been to one, and my version is surely much less...modern."
But at the same time, she's been holding that message of I'm looking forward to it. in her mind since it was given.
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This is critically important.
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Wrap?